Sportsman's Daily


Former Tour de France Cyclist Actually Forgets How to Ride Bike

Top Twenty Finisher in ‘94 Race Still Unable to Figure it Out


Jean Pierre Zusdine vows to get to the bottom of the "equipment defect" he claims is the reason he can't ride his bike. The French believe the defect is lodged firmly between Zusdine's ears.

NICE, FRANCE (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — It’s been said once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget. Well, apparently Jean Pierre Zusdine has forgotten. A top twenty finisher in the 1994 Tour de France, Zusdine had stopped cycling professionally and given it up altogether eight years ago to pursue a career in advertising. Then, last week, his four year old son Claude wanted to learn to ride a bike. Zusdine confidently pulled his still sleek looking custom made model from the garage and got on. However, much to his surprise, he was unable to balance himself at all.

Refusing to give up, he got right back on but fell off again almost immediately. Zusdine was stunned. He had completely lost the reference point for balance and clumsily tossed the bike back into the garage, stormed inside his home and poured himself a briming goblet of Grand Cru Schlossberg St. Catherine Cuvee L'Inedit, Domaine Weinbach 2003 as a confused Claude cried on the crumbling steps of their 18th century chateau.

“This is fucking madness,” the elder Zusdine angrily said through a translator. “I was a top cyclist, and now this? This?”

A few neighbors have seen Zusdine repeatedly attempt to right himself on the bicycle in the wee (or should we say oui) hours of the morning, under the cloak of darkness, but to no avail. Lucien Mousseinne, who lives next door to Zusdine and speaks some English, could barely contain himself when relaying the story to TSD. “He thinks no one is looking,” Mousseinne said, “But I have a great view of him starting off at ze top of his driveway. He peddles and falls off right away. The language he uses is, how you say, ‘filthy‘. Who forgets how to ride ze bicycle? What a putz.”

Word of Zusdine’s cycling woes have caught the attention of the French media, but they have issued no formal reports because they are still unsure whether to label him a bumbling idiot or comedic genius.

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