Curlin Threatened to Turn Other Horses into Glue
Horse Has Sicilian Mafia Roots
Some Afterlife: Former Curlin one-time challenger Van Winkle’s Gambit’s racing days are over. The three year old was turned into glue allegedly under the orders of the Secratariatti Crime Family’s boss. He is said to be in as many as one hundred bottles.
CHURCHILL DOWNS, LOUISVILLE, KY (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) – Getting the horses into the starting gate at Saturday’s running of the 133rd Kentucky Derby was nearly as thrilling as the race itself. Pre-race favorite Curlin allegedly approached each horse including winner Street Sense, prior to starting time and threatened to have them turned into glue if one of them beat him. “It was pretty scary stuff. This is a gentleman’s sport,” said competitor and second place finisher Hard Spun. “He comes in here with that Sicilian Mob poppycock about turning us to glue, and it gets in your head a bit. Who knows? Maybe he‘s got some stock in Elmer‘s.”
Though Curlin (Currolinni), who finished a disappointing third, acknowledges his connections to the syndicate, he denies having threatened the other horses. His attorney and the consigliere for the Secrateriatti Crime Family, Mario Carpuzzi, said his client has adhered to the stringent laws laid down by Derby officials which includes no contact with other horses prior to the race. “They’re pretty hardcore about that rule in particular,” Carpuzzi said. “Security is tight. He could never get to the other horses.”
However, Derby officials are investigating the allegation that Curlin got his message to his enemies through professional hired help. Tacoma “The Hoof” Slew, the bastard offspring of 1977 winner Seattle Slew joined the Secrateriatti mob four years ago and has been described as an enforcer. Slew has left several jockey’s heads in the stables of prominent horses. He is currently being questioned at The Bluegrass Equestrian State Correction Facility near Louisville. “This place is like a country club,” said Slew who was chomping on a cigar while watching reruns of Mr. Ed. “They got it all here - a state-of-the-art gym, a nice library, beautiful grounds. And now they want to talk deal. But then when they put that slop in front of me three times a day, it makes it clear this place don‘t know cookin‘ from their asshole. Who the fuck makes Chicken Tetrazzini with White Zinfindel?”
The investigation is ongoing, however Curlin will be allowed to compete in the final two legs of racing’s Triple Crown, The Preakness and The Belmont Stakes. “This is all going to come out in the open,” said Curlin. “Then I’m going to settle all family business with my enemies. Hard Spun, Beat the Band, Gimme Some Lovin’, Stracci, Cuneo, Barzini, Philip Tattaglia. It’s gonna be one dark day.”
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