Sportsman's Daily

 

Cloverfield Monster to Battle Barry Bonds in Sequel

Man with Digital Camera Shooting Events as They Occur

bonds monster

Horn in the USA. A five-hundred foot mutant, horned Barry Bonds who is raging on nuclear steroids leaves San Francisco to trample America en route to New York to battle the mighty Cloverfield Monster,

SAN FRANCISCO, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As the country’s number one film continues to generate a buzz with moviegoers, the proposed sequel already has Tinseltown in an uproar. The Cloverfield Monster, under studio wraps for so long, finally showed himself to nationwide audience’s delight and fright. Now he’ll flex his stuff against another five hundred foot tall monster, Barry Bonds. The former San Francisco Giants slugger, and all-time homerun champion, who disappeared in recent days, emerged from the bone-chilling waters of San Francisco Bay as motorists crossed the Golden Gate Bridge at rush hour.

“He was juiced on something, some kind of super mutant steroid,” said advertising mogul Lamson Rinki, who was capturing the events as they unfolded with his Samsung SC-DC173U digital camcorder and in the process saving Bad Robot Films and Paramount Pictures one-hundred million dollars allocated for the sequel. “He’s bigger than I’ve ever seen him. Sharks and seals were falling out of his eyebrows and a makeshift syringe fashioned from a harpoon with one million cc’s of anabolic steroids was dangling from his thigh. I was thinking to myself ‘wow, that’s high concept. It could really work on a pitch we have next week with a huge client we’re trying to snag away from Chiat Day.’”

Bonds immediately embarked on a cross country journey smashing everything in his path. “Our intelligence tells us he’s heading for New York,” said U.S. Air Force Brigadier General Carl Healy. “He’s seeking his natural enemy which many had figured to be Bud Selig, but it’s the Cloverfield Monster. It’s gonna be one hell of a fight when those two lock horns.” ‘Locking horns’ just isn’t a figure of speech anymore as two large boney protrusions have developed on Bonds’ massive forehead. “I thought it was kind of cool - real chiller theatre,” said street person Harvey Blass, holding up a ‘repent’ sign scribbled in crayon. “But it was a tad disquieting to see a horse, a cab driver, and two Korean school girls impaled on his malformed, blood-soaked quill.”

So far every weapon used has been powerless against Bonds’ attacks. U.S. armed forces are considering alternative methods to fell the mighty slugger. “Using a nuclear bomb might cause more damage than the monster itself,” said Yoshio Tsuchiya, the eighty year old veteran Godzilla movie actor whose inexplicable, unscheduled appearance in San Francisco seemed almost more fantastic than Bonds smashing the city to bits in the first place.

Discussions are underway to see if injecting Arizona Diamondbacks star Eric Byrnes with a similar steroid compound might allow him to stop Bonds’ trek to New York. The flighty Byrnes seems eager to try. “Yeah bro,” said Byrnes. “That’d be kind of cool. I’d be juicing for all the right reasons - to save mankind from a gargantuan, hideous and evil monster who gets his jollies from filling up people’s swimming pools by pissing in ‘em.”

Should the Byrnes experiment fail, the last line of defense between Arizona and New York would be a group of Philadelphia sports fans who will attempt to boo him out of town directly into Delaware Bay and drown him.

“The Cloverfield Monster might well destroy Bonds. We just don’t know. But what we do know is Philly fans are brutal,” added a resolute General Healy speaking to a group of visiting dignitaries. “What they have in mind is so damaging, it might work. Why? Sensitivity. Remember gentlemen - under all the bravado, under all the arrogance, smugness, and down right meanness that Bonds is famous for, beats the heart of a human being. Granted that heart is currently the size of a Chrysler Pacifica, but it has feelings. It has feelings.”

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The Authors of The Sportsman’s Daily

Charles Epstein Headshot

CHARLES EPSTEIN

TSD Editor-In Chief and TSD Weekend Show co-host.
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Tom Alexander Headshot

TOM ALEXANDER

TSD Executive Editor and TSD Weekend Show host.
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Angelo Vecchio

ANGELO VECCHIO

DC's Foremost Authority on His Own Opinion
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Angelo Vecchio

KATIE RINKI

Helsinki Rinki with Katie Rinki
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