Sportsman's Daily


Clay Aiken Emboldens Three NFL Stars to Come Out


NFL stars acquire testicular fortitude from an unlikely
source: Clay Aiken -- the crooner who recently announced his own
feelings vis a vis all things testicular.

NEW YORK (Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — In a People magazine cover story this week, Clay Aiken acknowledged what was blindingly obvious the moment he debuted on "American Idol" in 2003: he's (gasp) gay.

While it was a revelation on par with learning that bears relieve themselves in heavily wooded areas, it apparently resonated with at least three NFL stars harboring long-held "secrets."

"This is not easy," said Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens, gently sobbing. "I've been keeping this from teammates, family and friends for years - but I need to get this off my chest: I am and have always been a black man." Owens's lower lip trembled as tears slid down his cheeks. "It wasn't by choice. This is the way I was born. Not a damned thing I could do."

A reporter asked Owens if he ever felt the temptation to be a white man, if he ever felt even the faintest pangs.

"I've tried, I played the game, I put on the act," he said. "But you reach a point you simply can't pretend anymore. I finally got up the courage to tell my parents – it was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. Unfortunately they didn't take it well. My mom cried and my dad called me the dumbest fucking negro in the history of dumb negroes."

According to Owens, the locker room has been "completely supportive."

"Actually, I was surprised by how many people already knew. There must have been signs."

Vince Young, the Tennessee Titans' embattled quarterback, had a secret of his own.

"I know a lot of people have been asking questions – what's up with Vince? Well…I know it's gonna take some time getting used to…and I hope the fellas in the locker room can deal with it…but…" Young's voice broke as his agent reached over to console him. The Titans quarterback gathered himself and continued. "This is something that's been bottled up for a long time." Young took a deep breath, closed his eyes and let it fly: "I am and will always be a Clay Aiken fan."

The statement caused audible gasps from the roomful of reporters and team officials, but was greeted with great relief in the Titans' locker room.

"So that's what the past two years were all about," said defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth. "Big, huge relief. Most of us just thought he was gay."

The third NFL star poised to come out rescinded his "confession" when he learned the Owens and Young revelations were unrelated to their sexual orientation. At the request of his agent and family, the veteran nose tackle's name has not been made public.

"My client is not, has never been, nor does he have plans of ever becoming, gay," said his agent, on condition of anonymity. "For crying out loud, he wouldn't know Clay Aiken from Willie Mays Aikens. Despite persistent rumors to the contrary, my client is not a homosexual. People jump to conclusions because he's been seen unwinding at gay bars after games. But as anyone who's been at a gay bar will tell you, some of the hottest women hang out there. It can turn awkward in the morning when you see her standing over the toilet taking a noisy pee…but hey, not every gal you pick up is someone you're going to want to take back home to meet the folks."

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