Sportsman's Daily


Man Who Went Mad After Chris Webber's Infamous Flub, Still Clinically Insane

Mental Meltdown from 1993 is Source of Former Professor's Deep-Rooted Psychosis

Fab Five

For fourteen years, former Professor Carl Schoonover has been haunted by this image -- a shifting kaleidoscope featuring the University of Michigan's "Fab Five." It's a daily reminder of Chris Webber's notorious NCAA meltdown...and a daily reminder for Schoonover's nurse to insert the tongue depressor when foam begins billowing from his mouth.

Ann Arbor, MI (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — Carl Schoonover has been a University of Michigan Wolverine fan and booster since 1979. But since 1993 Schoonover has been lending his support to the team under close psychiatric supervision at an undisclosed location.

Schoonover, a former physics professor at the school, was one of many fans who watched with utter amazement, shock and horror when Michigan All-American Chris Webber called time out with eleven seconds to go in the 1993 NCAA Championship Game when there were no time outs available. The blunder effectively sealed the victory for North Carolina and Webber's illustrious collegiate career came to a screeching halt, along with the hearts of Wolverines fan everywhere. Webber, his teammates, coaches, and fans were able to move on with their lives and put the unfortunate incident behind them. But Schoonover was not so lucky.

Schoonover went on a wild rampage later that night hoisting a meat cleaver into the air, stripping down to his underpants and, speaking in the manner of the late Julia Childs, demonstrated to an imaginary studio audience how to prepare a "five minute" dinner salad by dicing radishes and unstable isotopes. Sadly, for those close to him, Schoonover didn't stop there. Three days later he reenacted the Kennedy Assassination, playing all the parts.

"This is my legacy," a tormented and barely recognizable Schoonover said that night dressed as Texas Governor John Connally's wife Nellie. "I am here to make outrageous pronouncements, threaten old ladies, make weird Manson-like eye movements, and find a dependable recipe for chicken salad. And its all because somebody didn't understand time management. If he had shown up to at least one of my classes, he might have been a bit more clock savvy."

Dr. Helmut Grabbenstetter, a pioneer in the field of post-modern existential sports psychology at the Kleinschmidt Institute in Berlin has been observing Schoonover for three weeks and is convinced the 59 year old is beyond help. "He's really gone looney tunes," Grabbenstetter said. "We've tried a variety of traditional as well as revolutionary treatments developed here at the institute by myself and Dr. (Rudolph) Clausenmunchen, but at the very best its resulted in him falling asleep and us getting a good laugh. Fun, sure. But ultimately unproductive."

Carrie Schoonover, wife of the patient, has even tried having Chris Webber himself talk with her husband, but to no avail. "I stopped by about a month ago," Webber said. "But all he wanted to talk about was Jack Ruby, who he planned on portraying the next morning in a series of vignettes for some of the hospital staff."

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