Sportsman's Daily


Cheney Shows Incoming Veep the Ropes – as Well as the Blindfolds, Chains and Handcuffs

In first visit to VP residence, Biden “detained” two hours longer than scheduled.


Dick Cheney sizes up Joe Biden just before escorting him to his basement "rec room," which, according to unnamed "visitors" smelled of sweat, urine and fear -- which liberal deposits of potpourri couldn't completely mask.  

WASHINGTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Vice President Dick Cheney and his wife Lynne welcomed Vice President-elect Joe Biden and his wife Jill on Thursday for a tour of his new home to be, Washington's Naval Observatory, which serves as the official vice presidential residence.

The couples met on the porch and exchanged pleasantries before disappearing inside, where Lynne took Jill upstairs, while Dick took a reluctant Joe down to a dark, dank basement illuminated by a single dangling light bulb.

“The Vice President said he wanted the Senator to see something,” said an aide who accompanied the Bidens. “The Senator suggested I join them, but the Vice President was clearly in no mood for company. The door closed and they walked down to the basement – thirty minutes go by, sixty minutes, they’re still down there. I was getting nervous.”

Two hours later, a sweating, doubled-over and visibly shaken Joe Biden was found a mile and a half away, having narrowly escaped through a basement window.

“We’re not sure if it was the ropes, pulleys and levers, the collection of medieval ‘devices,’ or just the lack of ventilation, but suffice it to say the Senator succumbed to a major panic attack and managed to squirt through a small open window, pursued by a deranged dwarf answering to the name ‘Trujillito” who gave chase until he was flattened by a cross-town bus,” said the aide. “I can only imagine the horror, though I’ll admit it’s impressive that the Vice President can inspire that kind of loyalty among his staff even at this stage of the game. I suppose being around all that, uh, equipment, makes an impression.”

It’s since been learned that the late staffer was called “Trujillito” in honor of the avenging dwarf who was used by the Dominican dictator Rafael L. Trujillo to bite the testicles of his enemies.  

Upon hearing the news, President-Elect Obama applauded Biden’s "quick thinking and quick feet," saying it further underscored why he was the right pick for VP.

“You’re telling me a sixty five year old white guy shimmied through a window and outran a guy one third his size and a quarter his age? I like it. I’m not sure how it translates into his ability to handle affairs of state, but it looks like we’ve got someone who can give us energy off the bench. Every administration needs a Kurt Rambis, a scrappy Caucasian with limited skills who’ll bound with his teeth if need be. Once Joe sinks those choppers into a loose ball, it’s all over.”

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