Sportsman's Daily


Ivy League Chemistry Graduate Students to Shape Shift during Football Halftime Show

Experiment Will Occur During Harvard-Princeton Game October 25


Princeton student Gil Masterman-Smith has literally gotten his shape shifting down to a science, and can hardly wait to march out with the band at halftime.

PRINCETON, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — There was a time when Ivy League institutions of learning could seriously compete with the top Division 1 schools in America on the gridiron. But that was years ago. Still, Ivy League players do show up on NFL rosters from time to time, and the football programs at Princeton, Penn, and Harvard have been impressive the last few years.

However, the Ivy League is known essentially for its trailblazing fields of study.

And Professor Leonard Rosenfeld, Princeton’s legendary chemical engineering wizard, wants to prove it to a national audience next month.

TSD’s Chet Lassiter spoke with Rosenfeld shortly after the professor returned from his summer vacation in Geneva.

Chet Lassiter: Welcome Professor. Let’s cut right to the chase. Shape shifting. Did I hear you right?

Leonard Rosenfeld: The gridiron club here at Princeton is always trying to outdo themselves with halftime entertainment. But quite frankly, the marching band striking up another version of the Hawaii Five-O theme can get a little tedious, particularly the Andrew Moriarty arrangement. So we decided to up the ante.

CL: I see. Makes sense. Can you explain how this whole thing is going to go down?

LR: Of course. We’ve got three students who will march to the center of the field during the October 25th game when we play Harvard. As the band plays the first movement from Gyorgy Ligeti’s Apparitions, the students will begin the experiment.

CL: Can you elaborate?

LR: Certainly. Jane Lawrence, a promising freshman student will inject herself with the formula we created in the lab, then morph into a sparrow, take flight, then land at the fifty yard line with pinpoint accuracy.

CL: Something the Princeton offense might want to study. (chuckles)

LR: (not amused) Hmm. Right. Then, Li Cho a wonderfully gifted student from Beijing will transition from a human being into a pair of size seven loafers just as the band swells to a magnificent twelve tone crescendo. Of course, the piece de resistance will occur when senior Gil Masterman-Smith shape shifts into a creature he once saw on Chiller Theater when he was a kid.

CL: That sounds a bit dangerous.

LR: It might be. We’re hoping Gil can control himself. However, since we’re not sure what the creature is, and how it might react, we’re not taking any chances.

CL: How so?

LR: We’re bringing along silver bullets, cloves or garlic, and crucifixes. If those don’t work, I’ll attempt to read aloud an excerpt from Harvard University professor, William C. Clark’s ridiculously ill-plotted kinderspiel Sustainable Development of the Biosphere, which should bore him to death. That is, if I can actually get through it this time. I couldn’t when it came out, and then again when I tried reading it last winter – what with its endless posturing and anemic stabs at wit.

CL: Professor, you’ve been a delight.

LR: Uh-huh.

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