Chargers Angry at Patriots for Violating Team Logo; Patriots Mascot Later Found Bound, Gagged, Wearing Lace Panties and Makeup
Patriots players counter by immolating Chargers’ throwback jerseys in bonfire; Chargers players respond by detonating dozens of Tom Brady bobblehead dolls. Commissioner demands halt to senseless escalation of merchandise-related violence.
The "violated" logo that sparked the 2007 Chargers-Pats "merchandise war." Memorabilia experts predict surge in demand for previously under-valued John Hadl and Jim Plunkett-related merchandise. (Drats! Bad timing for Jockstraps -- we will be making official team merchandise available in Q2 2007.)
SAN DIEGO, CA (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) After the Patriots came from behind to win on the Chargers’ home field, several Patriots players danced and stomped on the Chargers’ midfield logo. An enraged LaDainian Tomlinson, joined by a handful of irate teammates, tore after the Patriots players, as 68,810 clinically depressed fans watched in dazed silence. Tomlinson and his teammates could accept losing to a worthy opponent, they could accept their missed opportunities, their lack of discipline, their blown fourth quarter lead, the talking and taunting before and during the game…just don’t fuck with their brand or any manifestation of same (which, according to team counsel Irving Hutchfield, “includes, but is not limited to, on-field logos, tee-shirts, jerseys, beer steins, pennants, coasters, jackets, stuffed animals, and all manner of merchandise bearing or implying the Chargers’ distinct, trademarked imprint”).
“You come in here and put your foot up our logo’s ass, yeah, I’ve got a problem with that,” said Tomlinson after the game. “People don’t understand what it means to play for the powder blue and gold, they don’t understand what that lightening bolt represents to every guy in this locker room. It’s our identity, it’s who we are. So yeah, them doing the funky chicken or whatever the hell that shit was, at midfield, in front of our home fans no less, that ain’t right. And it don’t end here, boss, not until we deliver some real pain right where it hurts most.”
After the game, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady claimed not to see his teammates’ midfield antics and dismissed it as a “distraction.” When Brady learned the Patriot’s team mascot, who was out of “uniform” and traveling with the team , was found in a back alley, bound, gagged, wearing makeup, a push-up bra and lace panties, he laughed. When he found out later that several Chargers’ players detonated a mound of Tom Brady bobble head dolls with three sticks of dynamite, he flew into a blind rage.
“Say what you want, go ahead, laugh…but every piece of merchandise that goes out with my name, number or likeness, it’s a part of me. On top of everything, I love those bobble head dolls. Three years ago the dolls that came back from the manufacturer were all wrong – wrong color eyes, wrong color hair and one arm was shorter than the other. The one they did this year was perfect. So go ahead and laugh, but I’m pretty damn steamed.”
It appears that Chargers and Patriots fans are getting into the act as well. Ebay reports a dramatic spike in merchandise sales, as do official websites of both teams. San Diego firefighters have put out several merchandise-related bonfires, while New England police seized thousands of counterfeit, low quality Chargers’ jerseys and tee-shirts manufactured and distributed by a ring of Patriots fanatics. The ring cooked up a scheme to flood the market with shoddy Chargers’ merchandise in a failed attempt to embarrass the Chargers’ organization.
On a positive note, the Chargers’ mascot reached out to his furry counterpart, offering apologies for the way he was mistreated.
“It’s enough punishment to have to romp around for four quarters in a poorly ventilated suit, but to be humiliated like that, your heart goes out to the guy. Heck, he was just wandering around, wearing a throwback John Hannah jersey when he was jumped…I don’t even know how they recognized him – maybe it was the unprovoked cartwheel and sommersault, followed by a hex sign and rhythmic chanting. Whatever, it shouldn’t have happened and I feel terrible for the guy.”
Thus far, no charges have been filed, though league officials are investigating.
The Authors of The Sportsman’s Daily