Sportsman's Daily


Las Vegas Philharmonic to Perform Music of John Cage at NBA All-Star Game

Experimental Composer’s Use of Silence and Dissonance Sure to Raise Some Eyebrows

John Amaechi, Patrick Ewing

Half-time show at NBA All-Star game to test crowd's patience with performance of the single most irritating composition in all of Western music, the late John Cage's 4'33. League Commissioner Stern has announced that any player caught coughing or adjusting his shorts during the four plus minutes of tense silence will be forced to spend "quality time" with Clay Aiken.

LAS VEGAS, NV (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — For the first time in NBA history, the annual All-Star Game will be played in a non-NBA city. And apparently there are a few surprises in store. Part of the halftime entertainment will include a performance of experimental 20th century composer John Cage’s controversial 1952 composition 4’33’’. 4’33’, a piece in which no instruments are played for four minutes and thirty-three seconds is what Cage called “chance music.” Every performance is different due to the acoustics of the hall and who’s in the audience. It nearly caused a riot when it was first performed, and the decision to present the piece is curious.

But Las Vegas Philharmonic conductor, Richard McGee wants to show the world that Las Vegas isn’t just glitz, gambling, showgirls and legalized prostitution. “We’ve got a lot a high-minded, forward thinking people here,” said McGee. “Plus, I wanted to see if a minute or so into the performance, the deafening silence might compel crowd celebs like Jay-Z or Snoop Dogg to bust out a little somethin’ to break up what I’m sure will be overwhelming awkwardness.”

NBA Commissioner David Stern agreed that a mix of Hip Hop and Classical might be a nice change. “I was thinking more along the lines of Mozart or Bach, and not so much Cage,” said Stern. “Still, McGee is a savvy conductor with an unparalleled knowledge of atonal clusters and the power of extemporaneous silence, so what the hell?”

Cleveland Cavaliers wunderkind Lebron James surprisingly admitted he often listens to Cage or Gyorgy Ligeti to relax or zone out, and welcomes the odd meters, and twelve tone madness. “That shit is out,” James said. “I’d like to get my boy Chamillionaire to lay down a beat on top of 'Ramifications,' for string orchestra or 12 solo strings. Chillin’ with that in my media room? Yeah.”

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