Sportsman's Daily


Bush Learned Last Weekend He No Longer Owns The Texas Rangers

Prez Was Puzzled as to Why Security Shooed Him Out of Luxury Box

George Bush

Aw Shucks!! President George W. Bush learned Saturday he no longer owns a big league franchise. “Does this mean we don’t get those nifty Rangers baseball ornaments to hang on the Christmas tree anymore?” Bush was later told the ornament is the same one since 1992.

ARLINGTON, TX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – President George W. Bush learned last Saturday night after dinner that he is no longer owner of the American League baseball franchise the Texas Rangers. A stunned Bush sat motionless for nearly thirty minutes before speaking with his wife Laura who after exhaustive consultation with senior White House members felt it was time to break the news to him. “The President ran through the classic stages of grief,” the First Lady said. “Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, giddiness, vandalism, and cruising the beltway for runaways while wearing lipstick.”

White House officials said the President returned to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue bloodied and alone at approximately 4:15 A.M. with a strong smell of Old Bay seasoning on him. The only staff official on hand at that hour was White House Director of Communications Kevin Sullivan. “He startled me when he sauntered through my door. He’s never in the West wing at that time.” Sullivan said. “He told me he went to the Chesapeake Eastern Shore to toss back some Maryland Blues (regional crab) and sort things out.”

The President suspected something was amiss two weeks ago while the Rangers were hosting the Angels. Bush and his staff were kindly asked to leave the luxury box on eleven different occasions. “Something might be going on here,” Bush told his staffers. “At first I thought it might be Cheney playing one of his elaborate practical jokes, but after the eighth time, I figured it out.” The box in question is currently assigned to the Popeye’s Chicken franchise and was once the President’s personal seating area. Bush vowed to ‘get to the bottom of this’ as soon as he returned to Washington.

“I think he was actually beginning to put some of the pieces together on his own,” Laura Bush said sympathetically. “But the strain was getting a little much for him, so we broke the news Saturday night which I believe was the right thing to do.”

Current Rangers stars Michael Young and Mark Teixeira have offered to speak with Bush over the phone, but Bush has remained largely reticent after learning he actually sold his share of the team in 1993. “He’s been in our bedroom on the bed throwing an old baseball against the wall and catching it with that silly smile on his face. You all know the one,” the First Lady added rolling her eyes. “This has been going on for several days.”

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