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Bush Recuses Himself from BCS Title Game Citing Conflict of Rooting Interest; Ohio Proved Decisive in ’04 Election, Florida in 2000

bush in football jersey

Mission Accomplished, Sort Of: President Bush suits up but decides to sit out BCS title game, citing conflict of interest.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — With minutes to go before kick-off, President George W. Bush still couldn't decide which team to root for in Monday night’s BCS Championship Game in which the Florida Gators triumphed over the Ohio State Buckeyes 41-14. Florida proved decisive in his 2000 election and Ohio tipped the balance in his favor in 2004. Both outcomes were – and continue to be – highly controversial: in 2000 a partisan Supreme Court put Bush in the White House, and in 2004, electronic voting machines deployed in Ohio by an ardent Bush supporter conveniently added votes to the Bush/Cheney column. To illustrate just how meaningful both states are to the President, he carries a photo of Justice Antonin Scalia in his wallet (pictured on a boat, shooting alligators in the Everglades), and has Laura use a specially outfitted Diebold voting machine to surf the Internets and keep tabs on their roving, party-crazed daughters.

While Secretary of State Condi Rice, VP Dick Cheney and outgoing White House Counsel Harriet Miers watched the game in the White House media room, the President sweated it out in the Situation Room, where he was regularly brought updates.

“It’s tough when you’re the decider and simply can’t decide. So I thought it best to sit this one out.”

While the blowout lacked drama, there were some tense moments in the media room. At one point the President was called in to adjudicate – Dick Cheney commandeered the remote and refused to give it up.

“Dick does like to hog the remote,” the president said, chuckling. “Every time a commercial came on, he’d flip over to watch some hunting show on the National Geographic Channel. But the man is in failing health and you don’t want to upset him – in the morning he’s the one making the tough calls, not Condi, not Harriet, certainly not me.” Sometime late in the third quarter the President was called in again, this time due to the VP’s annoying habit of keeping his cell phone on, which rang incessantly. “Like I said, the guy’s got a weak ticker, is overweight and has the grayish complexion of a large beached ocean critter. But would it kill him to shut the phone off during an important football game? Plus, that dang ring tone, sounds like something I once heard at an opera slash fund raiser Laura dragged me to, by some German guy, Fritz Wagner I think his name was. Lots of fellers with helmuts with horns sticking out of ‘em. Geez, it was about as much fun as getting a root canal by an endodontist that turns out to be Jim Baker.”

It was later rumored that Bush had a special radio transmitter sewn into the football uniform he wears for special games, piping in Karl Rove doing his fabled Keith Jackson play-by-play imitation, an allegation he hotly denied. “Ridiculous rumor-mongering,” said the President. “I also heard rumors that I threw some money down on the game. Look, I've got nothing against a side wager every now and again, but it’s not how this President gets his kicks. I’m the leader of the free world, which is like being the head coach, quarterback and lead cheerleader rolled into one. Some people get a rush from wagering on a football game, I get up in the morning, I’m moving the chains, delivering punishment and putting America in position to score. Well, ok, I help Dick do all that. But still, nothing makes you feel more alive than following Dick off-tackle for some good ole fashioned smash-mouth diplomacy."

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