Holyfield to Fight Until His Brains Can Be Spread Over Warm Toast
Whatever happens in the ring, it's lights out for Evander Holyfield.
ATLANTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) His body is as sculpted as it ever was, but at age 46, Evander Holyfield is, well, 46 – a point where the body starts to balk and bruises refuse to heal. But that’s not stopping the four time heavyweight champ from stepping into the ring this weekend to face Nikolai Valuev, a 7-foot Russian. At stake is the World Boxing Association heavyweight belt…and the grey gelatinous mass that sits uneasily inside his hardened cranium.
Holyfield’s family and friends have tried convincing the proud fighter to back out of the fight rather than risk further cognitive deterioration, but their pleas and entreaties have fallen on deaf (and/or uncomprehending) ears.
“Evander’s got a stubborn, Old Testament streak, like he’s been sent on some higher mission by the voices in his head,” said family friend Trent Patterson. “As a religious man myself I don’t discount the possibility. But in Evander’s case, I don’t know how he’s able to tell the difference between a revelation and the constant low-level buzz of misfiring synapses. The brother’s in no shape to be fighting a parking ticket, let alone some 7 foot Russian dude.”
Some in Holyfield’s circle have all but given up trying to bring the fighter around.
“At some point you realize it’s easier to just give in and enjoy the competition,” said Dr. Ben Fields, a long-time friend and advisor. “You just have to get over the sickening realization that the Evander Holyfield that went into the fight will bear little resemblance to the one immediately after it. And I’m not just talking about the swelling around the eyes and face…I’m talking about someone who will probably not remember the conversation you had three hours prior. Someone who may not even remember your name unless it’s spelled out phonetically on a flashcard and held up by a ring card girl to hold his fleeting attention.”
“I will say this: he looks great – a specimen even at that age!” crowed 46 year old relic Jamie Moyer, who just signed a two-year deal with the champion Phillies. “I can’t speak to his so-called fading mental abilities, but trust me: compared to some of the young guys we’ve got in the clubhouse, Evander’s Abe fucking Lincoln. It will take five consecutive years of relentless pounding for Evander to lose a game of Trivial Pursuit to some of those morons.”
Related News: Inspired by Evander Holyfield, 79 Year Ex-Porn Star to “Re-enter the Ring”
SANTA MONICA, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s been over 40 years since Rodney Ricks last performed under the lights as porn star Rick Rod, in the cult XXX classic, “Boys, Boys, Boys” (outtakes were later released under the title “More Boys, Boys, Boys,” leading to a series of lawsuits that effectively ended Ricks’ career in adult entertainment). But when he heard that 46 year old Evander Holyfield was stepping into the ring – against the advice and pleadings of his family and friends – Ricks immediately knew what he had to do.
“Soon’s I heard I got inspired, I felt something stir I ain’t felt in a long time,” said Ricks, motioning to his groin. “I called some friends in the business, told ‘em I had an idea.”
While Ricks has yet to hear back, he’s hoping the sight of a 79 year old penis straining to achieve an erection will be an inspiration to millions of men in their “later years,” showing them “it can still be done, and done moderately well, if only once in a very specific shade of blue moon.”
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