Sportsman's Daily

 

TSD Asks Bigfoot: Is Hoaxing a Sport? Recent Hoaxers Actually Killed by Bigfoot

bigfoot

The Hoax on You. This still from the legendary Patterson-Gimlin film still hasn’t been confirmed as a definite hoax. It remains the most well-known image of a Bigfoot. Arnold K. Bigfoot insists it’s his cousin Marie.

ATLANTA, GA (Special to TSD) — There are groups of people who will label nearly anything a sport – sex, drinking, even NASCAR. Now you can add hoaxing to the list.

Last week Rick Dyer and Matt Whitton sent investigators and Bigfoot enthusiasts on a wild carcass chase when they claimed they had the frozen carcass of a 7’7” Bigfoot creature. When they were asked to reveal their prize possession it was obvious the remains of the legendary beast were nothing more than a tricked out ape costume filled with entrails.

But before the hoaxers had their day in court, the real Bigfoot, who claims he only wants to live in peace, killed them both.

Bigfoot Talks

TSD arranged for an exclusive interview with Arnold K. Bigfoot to discuss the recent hoax and the murder of the perpetrators. Bigfoot stands 7’7”, and weighs 622 pounds. He was wearing cut-offs, a golf shirt and flip flops.

The Sportsman’s Daily: Thanks for joining us.

Arnold K. Bigfoot: No problem. Let me apologize in advance for the ungodly stench. I haven’t bathed since May when I doused myself with raccoon piss. It’s a family tradition.

TSD: Don’t mention it. I’m wearing a mask.

There’s an awkward pause.

TSD: Why did you feel it was necessary to kill the hoaxers?

AKB: What is this, the 70’s? I thought my fifteen minutes were long over. Can’t people just go away? When was the last time you heard about the Bermuda Triangle, Yeti, the Loch Ness Monster, and the two foot woman with the hairy face in the back of the TV Guide® getting hassled? I don’t have time for this shit.

TSD: Apparently you taunted the two men mercilessly before ripping off their heads.

AKB: It was intended to send a message. And that message is…stop with the damn hoaxes!! I’m real. But I’m not some horrible threat to mankind. OK, maybe I am considering I ripped off two guys’ heads. But in general, I’m a pretty decent sort with a lovely family. My wife gathers acorns in the fall and is a whiz in the kitchen…OK, I mean, over a campfire. My daughter Karen is marrying Eldon Sasquatch next spring somewhere in the Pacific Northwest.

TSD: It seems to me some of the Bigfoot trackers liken their experiences in the wilderness to a sport. Hunting comes to mind.

AKB: Look, as painful as this might be for some people to accept, I’m not big game. I’m not a moose or caribou. I’m a thinking creature. I pay taxes for Christ’s sake. Granted it’s to the tribe elders and not the United States of America, but I pay my fair share.

TSD: What about hoaxing?

AKB: What about it?

TSD: Is it a sport?

AKB: I’ll tell you what a sport is. Running along the bank of a river trying to snag an otter for dinner without breaking stride and knowing full well if you come home empty handed the little lady will damn near chop off your testicles. That’s sports. These two hoaxers I whacked were nothing but a couple of pant loads with too much time on their hands.

TSD: I see.

AKB: And you know what else? Stop with the Goddamned commercialism. Bigfoot Halloween masks, Bigfoot wristwatches, and t-shirts that say “My parents went to Washington State to track Bigfoot and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.”

TSD: Arnold, thanks for taking time out to share your story.

AKB: No problem. And I’m glad we wrapped this up when we did. Sometimes I get these hunger pangs – then I can’t be responsible for my actions. You seem like a nice guy, I wouldn’t want to snack on your chest cavity.

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