Sportsman's Daily

 

Barry Bonds Promises To Hit Home Run for Perfectly Healthy, Rich Kid

Embattled Slugger Tells Sickly Boy: "Just Shut Up and Get Better"

H. Prescott Kent

H. Prescott Kent enjoys lunch on the lawn of his fabulously sprawling estate in Southampton with his Aunt Carolyn. The two are celebrating Prescott's good news that a famous African-American athlete will "go yard" just for him.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA. (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) – Just days before his twenty-first birthday, H. Prescott Kent of the Southampton, New York Kents, learned he'd be receiving an unusual present. Controversial homerun slugger Barry Bonds of the San Francisco Giants announced he would hit a homerun for the young, cultivated eligible bachelor. Kent says he's not a baseball fan, but may look in on the proceedings in a game scheduled against the New York Mets on Tuesday, May 29th at Shea Stadium. "It's nice of Mr. Bonds to do whatever he's going to do for me," Kent said. "If I'm so inclined, I may take in the game live or watch it in Daddy's study."

Bonds was recruited by the Make-a-Wish Foundation to hit a homerun much like Babe Ruth allegedly did over seventy-five years ago for a young, dying boy in a hospital. This time that ailing child is Nicky Santucci who is the only survivor of a row house fire near Oakland that killed his entire family. But Bonds felt wasting an athletic achievement like a homerun on a kid who's probably too sick to appreciate it in the first place isn't worth doing. Bonds said, "I'd rather do it for someone with the financial solvency to really value the feat, perhaps even share it with some rich neighbors. Besides, I hear the kid's gonna die soon anyhow. But he keeps sending me letters all the time written in crayon. His spelling is atrocious. I just wish he'd just shut up and get better - or die. Just get it done either way."

H. Prescott Kent's aunt, Carolyn Ashton-Bates said, "I understand this whole thing came about because years ago some fellow named Babe Ruth hit a homerun for a young, sickly boy in the hospital. How positively winning. But that was many years ago. We can't go building up the hopes of a prepubescent burn victim now can we? Suppose Mr. Bonds fails in his quest. That might send little what's-his-name over the edge. Prescott's just more able to handle a disappointment like that in everyway - emotionally, intellectually, physically, and financially.

Real Estate mogul Carter Forsythe, a neighbor of the Kents looks forward to watching the event. "Young Prescott's so sporting just like his father Dalton," the billionaire said sipping one-hundred year old brandy as he gazed out over a slightly choppy Atlantic Ocean. "But I must leave you now as I don't care much for reporters. But let me say for the record, I hope that little kid turns a corner soon."

Neither the Kents nor the Forsythes plan on meeting Bonds personally.

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