I went to Vegas this year on the World Poker Tour and ran into Jeff Gordon. Okay, I didn't run into him, he drove past me, really, really fast. Okay, I wasn't in Vegas for the World Poker Tour. You called my bluff! But I was playing poker. Okay, I was at home, but it was sort of like the Poker Tour, lots of celebrities. They were on the television. I was watching that award show.

But Vegas baby! It's crazy isn't it? I've never been, but I've heard. Beautiful, extravagant hotels. If those walls could talk, right? They must have been talking to Jeff Gordon, because they're too hard. "Make em soft!" He said. That guy must practice whenever he gets the chance. Running around in circles as fast as he can in the hotel room. I can see why he would want softer walls. You can kill yourself running in circles too fast in a hotel room. Have you ever tried it? Well if you're reading this you probably haven't.

What's that you say? Softer walls on the track? For when he races his car? You're kidding? That's interesting, because I heard that Gordon crashed on lap 263 of the 267-lap race and hit a spot in the wall where there is a gap. I was sure he was talking about, well, laps, and Vegas, and laps. Gap. Okay, clearly my mind is in the gutter, where he almost ended up when his car hit that gap. I was thinking 263 laps, Gordon, that's a lot of dollar bills. Or twenty's. I'm sure he's loaded. And the poor guy just couldn't take it anymore, he passed out on the lap of dancer #263. And there were only four more to go. Those girls were probably disappointed.  So a race track ya say?

Why doesn't he just build his own safety speedway track? Now there's an oxymoron. A safety racetrack. What does he want mattresses lined up all along the walls? I don't know why he just can't keep his car under control. Stay out of the gaps Gordon! Reminds me of Flash Gordon. We can call him Gap Gordon now. Some professional. Hits a gap at 500 mph or however fast he was driving. Sounds like he needs more practice. Maybe run around a hotel room. I'm sure the hotel manager won't mind. They're used to those sort of things. And I know, because someone I know, well, used to know, told me she knew someone who saw some crazy things happen in Vegas hotels. What happens in Vegas. Jeff, you're secret is safe with me.

 

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