Researchers Harvest Athletes’ Brains for Ghoulish Concussion Study
An ill-gotten cranial sample makes for a surprisingly attractive centerpiece.
BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — A story in the New York Times reports that twelve retired players are planning to leave their brains to a new center at Boston University’s School of Medicine devoted to studying the long-term effects of concussions. TSD has now learned that researchers affiliated with the new center have been harvesting brains from former athletes within hours of their death. The brains were taken from both professional and amateur athletes, ranging from former NFL linemen to sixty-five year old Rick “Beanhead” Templeton, a softball legend who was known to crash head-first into a beer keg after clubbing a round tripper (he hit 843 in his career — home runs and, presumably, kegs).
The jars containing the brains were found in an industrial refrigerator by a night watchmen employed by the medical center.
“It was 3 am, the missus forgot to pack me a sandwich, so I’m looking around for a bite, maybe one of the lab guys left a half-eaten tuna sandwich or an open can of sardines, or possibly a Stouffer’s lasagna I can micro – anything, I’m starving,” said Jules Berg, the night watchman. “So I opens the refrig and about eighteen brains in glass jars are staring back at me. Suddenly I’m not so hungry anymore. Gave me the creeps if you want the god’s honest truth. Then I start noticing the names on the labels – one guy played tackle for the Rams, another was a lineman for the Colts and one guy I remember making a game-saving tackle on a Monday Night game years ago. I’m thinking, heck, that’s a whole lotta defense crammed into those jars.”
Randolph Pixley, a spokesman for the center, said several researchers have been held for questioning and that the matter will be thoroughly investigated.
“We are as shocked as anyone, as we had no idea we were in receipt of the brains in question,” said Pixley. “And frankly, we’re not sure of their research value, as we believe many of the brains have been mislabeled and the information on some is just riddled with factual errors. For instance, one of the brains is attributed to a well-known linebacker formerly with the Green Bay Packers. The label states he played on two Super Bowl teams, when he played on just one…and it claims he went to Ohio State when anyone knows he played college ball at Texas A&M. I’m not sure what’s more shocking – the sloppy labeling, which is unacceptable even for a first year mortuary student, or the fact that these brains were not acquired through proper channels.”
The brains have since been transferred to an undisclosed location; officials will disclose the name of each athlete as identities are confirmed.
“Former athletes with post-concussion syndrome are very vulnerable once their playing days are over,” said Wayne Chrebet, a standout receiver with the NY Jets whose career was cut short by multiple concussions. “The headaches, blurred vision and confusion are no laughing matter. That the Sportsman’s Daily would make light of a serious situation is disgusting. If anyone should have sympathy for the effects of brain damage it should be those guys. What cretins.”
(Editor’s note: Per Mr. Chrebet, we plead guilty as charged. We would like to take this opportunity to make clear our sympathy for anyone who suffers from the effects of a sports-related concussion, particularly the athletes whose brains remain in the custody of Boston University’s School of Medicine.)
Update: Investigators arrested a man seen lumbering about the school’s campus, flailing wildly, emitting a series of unintelligible grunts and randomly tackling students that crossed his path. “We don’t know who he is, what laboratory he sprang from, or what he’s going here,” said Patrick Murphy, the lead investigator. “But his tackling technique is flawless.”
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