Sportsman's Daily


A-Rod Drives Madonna Meshuggah; Yankee Slugger Obsessed with Kabbalistic Ritual

ARod, Madonna

Yankee macher A-Rod and Madge/Esther/Madonna take separate limos on their way to shul.

MIAMI, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Take the zeal of a religious convert, sprinkle it with the perfectionism of an elite athlete and add a heaping helping of Madonna-obsession, and what do you get? According to friends and associates of Madonna boy-toy Alex Rodriguez, you get one mixed up motherfucker with the discretionary income to indulge his every whim, no matter how much public embarrassment it rains down on him, his family and the team that pays his vast salary.
By all accounts, A-Rod is completely under the “material girl’s” spell, and has bought into Kabbalah, a mystical form of Judaism, hook, line and mezuzah.
“First it was the amulets, the incantations, the magical spells,” said Carlos Ramirez, one of A-Rod’s closest friends. “But lately he’s taken it to another level. He’s not only incorporated more orthodox aspects of Judaism in his daily rituals, he’s starting to sound like a rebbe from Crown Heights, constantly muttering as if deep in prayer. In fact, the last time I saw him, a couple of weeks back, we met at a Miami deli. He embraces me, pinches my cheek, calls me ‘tatala’ and recommends the stuffed derma. I mean, who is this guy?”
Teammate and one-time close friend Derek Jeter hopes A-Rod “snaps out of it” before the team heads south for spring training. “It’s just not a good thing for locker room unity. On one side of the clubhouse you’ve got Mariano with the mini nativity scene inside his locker. Now, on the other, you’ve got Alex surrounded by twelve guys in long black coats and tefillin, rhythmically chanting god knows what. With all due respect to Mariano and Alex, the locker room is no place for religious observance, unless of course you need to make a ritual sacrifice to break a nasty slump.”  
Guy Ritchie, soon-to-be Madonna’s ex, wishes A-Rod the best. “Those who care about Alex will just have to wait it out. Once he reads the fine print and realizes that the Kabbalah prohibits men from masturbating, as the sperm are viewed as abandoned souls that become demons – or that the man is prohibited from having an orgasm before the woman, as it injects selfishness into the act of love making -- he’ll come around.”
Recent reports indicate that Rodriguez’s “faith” is indeed wavering. According to Kabbalistic beliefs, Shekinah, a feminine presence, intercedes for the Jewish people in heaven, and appears exactly at midnight each Friday night during conjugal intercourse.
“Alex confided that just last Friday Shekinah appeared during an acrobatic evening of intercourse,” said Ramirez.   “Alex called out to her – and mistakenly referred to her as Cynthia, his ex.  Madonna wasn’t pleased and withheld sex for five whole days…it didn’t help when she caught him masturbating – a huge no-no.  Particularly when she found he was being assisted by two strippers who, when confronted by Madonna, claimed they were putting themselves through rabbinical school.”

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