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John Calipari Consoles “Millions” Who Lost Money on His Team; Players Feel Emotionally Abandoned in Time of Need
Hours After Railing at UCLA’s Final Four Loss, Actor Charlton Heston Dies
Dozens Misinterpret Double Meaning in Taylor Made Promotion, Leading to Catastrophic Beatings at Golf Courses Nationwide
Prince Fielder Has Locker Position Moved Next to Buffet Table
A Victory Most Foul: Lady Vols Advance Airing Dirty Laundry

What Makes Her Skin Silky and Soft? We Asked Ana, Danica and Other Top Female Athletes

A Rod: On British Tailoring

My Worst Date Ever

by Steve Nash

Bush Lifted After One Pitch

Outspoken Chad Johnson Now Pushing for Midwest Peace Talks
Canseco’s Ex Admits Attraction to A-Rod: “I Have a Thing for Five Tools Guys”
Forty-three Seconds of Wholesome Sports TV Accidentally Shown during Porn Channel’s Top Show
Eric Byrnes Bolts D-Backs Camp to Join Circus
LeBron: “When I Retire I Want to Play For and Attend Ohio State” 
Woods Says He’ll Play Rest of Year with Eyes Closed
Ana Ivanovic Agrees to Hike Skirt Higher at Sony Ericsson Open
Tournament Director Hints that Arnie May Not Be Invited Back for Next Year’s Arnold Palmer Invitational
Last Man on Tampa Rays’ Depth Chart was Also Picked Last in Gym Class
25,000 Americans Expected to Lose Mind During March Madness
Red Sox Counter Yanks Billy Crystal Move by Signing Dennis Leary and Conan O’Brien
Bad Day Gets Worse: Spitzer Arrested for Scalping Courtside Tickets to Federer-Sampras Exhibition
Spring Training Update:  A-Rod’s Interminable Crotch Adjustment Now in Third Consecutive Day
Favre Cries at Retirement Speech Because He Could No Longer Spell Favre
Rockets Teammates Smoke Yao’s Private Stash of Chinese Herbs Used to Treat Season-Ending Foot Injury
Identical Twins Freak Out High School Basketball Conference by Posting Identical Stats
Chemical Ali Wants One More Bout with Joe Frazier Before Being Executed
Bill Buckley’s Shocking Sailing Logs Discovered; Erudite Colloquies by Day, Drinking, Mayhem and Murderous Intent by Night

Carmelo Anthony Gets Awkward Stares from Teammates after Playing Rush on Locker Room Sound System

Bill James in Love: Recently Found Spreadsheets Reveal Writer’s Unrequited Feelings for Craig Biggio
Oscar Winner Planned to Send Cleveland Indian to Refuse his Statue
Brian McNamee Now Says He Injected 54 People with HGH and Steroids at Clemens Family Reunion
George “Set Shot” Slavish, Only White Harlem Globetrotter, Dies During Unspectacular Open Court Layup
It’s Official: NY Knicks Offer Rudy Giuliani Head Coaching Job
Randy Moss Lost Twice on Super Sunday
John Rocker Celebrates Black History Month by “Reuniting” with the Pips
Little League Coach Trades His Son for a Case of Schlitz
Shaq to Phoenix Confirmed: Diesel Deleted From D-Wade’s Five
Bobby Knight Sends Scores Flying in One Final Ass- Kicking Rampage
Pats Players Claim Perfection Over-rated: “Even Gisele Bundchen Isn’t Perfect. Well, Actually, She Is.  Damn. I’m Depressed.”
Cloverfield Monster to Battle Barry Bonds in Sequel
Goodyear Pimp: Super Bowl Blimp Pilot Arrested for Airborne Ogling of Naked Women
North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il to Throw Out First Ball at New Washington Nationals’ Ballpark
Knoblauch Subpoenaed for Failing to Respond to Invite; Former All-Star Claims it Didn’t Include RSVP
Gisele Bundchen: “If the Pats Lose I’ll Run Naked Though Mid-Town Manhattan”
Eccentric Chess Master Bobby Fischer Dies; Finding Pallbearers Difficult as Only Two People Liked Him
Marion Jones Vows to Shave Five Seconds Off Six Month Prison Term
Tiger Woods – Golf Channel Fallout:  Al Sharpton Literally Comes out of Woodwork While Man is Watching TV Report on Tiger Woods – Golf Channel Fallout
NCAA Football: Electoral College to Play School of Hard Knocks Beginning in 2008
Iowa Caucus Degenerates into Confusing Night of Mixed Sports Metaphors; Commentators Undecided Whether Obama’s Victory is a Slam Dunk, a Ground Rule Double or an Opening Round of 69
LA Football Fans Abduct Jack Nicholson, Demand NFL Franchise Within Five Years
Bonds’ Balls Drop (and Shrink) to Ring in 2008
Kobe Bryant to Have Arrogance Surgically Removed
Roger Clemens Now Denies He Ever Pitched in Majors
Michael Vick Slated to Star in Latest Remake of “The Longest Yard
The Summer of Love: Addendum to Mitchell Report Cites “Bizarre 60’s Vibe” Created by Bad Batch of Acid-Laced Human Growth Hormone (HGH)
Juilliard to Add Football Program in 2010; Renowned Cellist Yo-Yo Ma to Lead Search Committee for Head Coach
Three Miami Dolphins Found Accidentally Entangled in Tuna Fisherman’s Net
Michael Vick Sentenced to 23 Months and Counseling Under the Watchful Eye of Snoopy
Moneyball? Cost-Cutting Athletics Revert Back to Train Travel
Mental Health Professionals Summoned to Bring Winless Dolphins Back from Brink
Wrong Santana: Garbled Cell Phone Connection Leads to Yankees Inadvertently Signing Carlos Santana
In Death, Evel Knievel to Perform Last Spectacular Jump
Critics Agree:  Jets vs. Fins Has All the Makings of Komedy Klassik
Boston Bruins Issue Formal Apology to Patriots, Red Sox, and Celtics for Not Being Championshippy
Ricky Williams: “I’m so Bummed I Could Just Smoke a Bong”
Match Fixing Hard to Spot, Prompting Tennis Association to Publish List of “Probable Signs”; Russian Mobsters Occupying a Player’s Box Tops List
Former Relief Ace Ugueth Urbina Still in Prison; Says He’s Turned His Life over to L Ron Hubbard
Alex Rodriguez Enlists Warren Buffett to Lay Groundwork for Initial Public Offering (IPO)
Overly Superstitious Pat Riley Refuses to Brush His Teeth until Heat Reach .500
Notre Dame Wins One for What Remains of the Gipper
Bonds in Pinstripes: Manager of Ossining Orioles Makes Pitch for Indicted Slugger
Allan Iverson No Longer Rotating with the Earth; On His Own Thirty Degree Angle
Simpson Update: O.J. on Cross-Country Crusade to Retrieve Everyone’s Memorabilia
Missing Chapter of Valerie Plame Wilson’s Book Discovered; “One Day at a Redskins Game with Dick Cheney”
Rams Blame Horrendous Start on Team’s Concern for Well Being of Owen Wilson
Forty Eight Year Old Queens Housewife Completes NY Marathon in Eight Hours Without Leaving Apartment
Baseball’s Drug Testers Determined to Prevent Leaks
Colts Bolt Indy Under Dark of Night to Avoid Playing Patriots
Mwaaah! Mwaaaa!! Mwaaaaaa!!!
Dolphins’ Brown Said Before Injury in Last Game: “I’m Gonna Play This One Like It’s My Last Game”
Sunday Marks NFL’s First Regular Season Game in London; League Commissioner Braces for “Second British Invasion”
FOX Taps Tim McCarver to Once Again State Painfully Obvious During World Series
Last Chance to Ax Torre Slips From Steinbrenner’s Trembling Hands
Sox Fans Flabbergasted to Learn that Manny Ramirez Actually Has a Mental Approach to Playing Baseball
New Superbowl Format:  All Music
Soul on Ice:  New Documentary to Focus on Little Known Negro Hockey League
Joe Torre and Yankees Adopt Siege Mentality in Taking Game Three
Mets’ Heartbreaking Season Gets Worse as Mr. Met Admits He Does Porn
New Class Action Suit Accuses Thomas and Knicks’ Owner of Creating Hostile Basketball Environment
Nineteen Mets Injured in Frenzy of Post-Game Finger Pointing
Former Player and Coach Rusty Kuntz’ Last Name Still Considered Too Dirty for Baseball
NFL Round Up: Week Three Highlights
NFL Commissioner Shocks Bills with Talk of Stiff OJ Fine
FellateGate: Belichick Taped Mangini and Wife’s Carnal Pleasures; Prepped Him For Spying on Opposing Teams
Al-Qaeda Starts Baseball League; Promises All Players 72 Virgins in Afterlife
NFL Week One: Season Starts with a Bang Leaving 46 Dead, Scores Injured
Dodger Dog Vendor Blamed for Most of LA’s Heart Disease
Georgia Man Still Living NASCAR Cliché; Loves Fried Foods, Schlitz, and the Banjo
Andy Rooney Slammed for Slurring Serbian Tennis Players
Bucks Sign Yi; Milwaukee’s Fetid “Beijing-Like” Air Quality Seals Deal
Marcus Vick Admits to Operating Unlicensed Flea Circus
Flight Attendant Bedded the Mick and Spiro; Claims VP Better in the Sack
Texas Rangers’ Jarrod Saltalamacchia’s Last Name Makes Teammates Hungry for Italian
Disney’s Pluto: Michael Vick Kicked My Ass at Closing Time
D-Ray’s Ambidextrous Pitcher Hurls Complete Games in Both Ends of Double Header
Man Who Never Heard of TiVO Thinks His Friend is a Sports Psychic
It’s Official: LeBron’s Got the World by the Balls
Record Breaker Bonds Admits He Took Steroids to Impress Jodie Foster
UFC’s Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell Rips Off Opponent’s Head and Dines on Torso
More Than Seven Years Later, John Rocker’s Only Regret is “I’m Not More Aryaner”
Kevin Garnett Trade Sends Prince, Minneapolis Native and T-Wolves Fan, into Deep Funk
Ingmar Bergman Dies; Swedish Filmmaker Leaves Behind Unfinished Script for Unproduced Baseball Movie
Cyclist with USA Development Team Suspended for Suspicions of Illegal Drug Use
“If I Did It…” : Disgraced Former NBA Ref Tim Donaghy Peddles OJ-Inspired Manuscript
WWE Superstar Umaga Confuses Small Crowd By Crashing College Wrestling Meet
Eighteen Marauding Quidditch Players Arrested for Sodomizing Patrons at Ten London Pubs
Joe DiMaggio’s European Diary Found; Sports Icon a Skinflint in (At Least) Five Currencies
Yankees Fall to Last Place, Prompting Vintage Outburst from Boss
Bush Learned Last Weekend He No Longer Owns The Texas Rangers
Like Elvis, Most People Prefer Thinner Barry
The Bronx Is Burning’s John Torturro Channels Billy Martin; Beats Up Reggie Jackson Actor
Mike Hargrove's Resignation "Shocking But Not Completely Unexpected"
Researchers from University of Chicago Announce New Formula for Re-evaluating  Pre-Steroids Era Baseball Stats
Oakmont Lives Up to Reputation for Blood-Curdling Sadism
Lou Piniella Tears Zambrano A New A**hole
Trash Talking Contestants Roil 80th Annual Spelling Bee
David Ortiz Clarifies Statement: “Ok, Ok, Ok, I Hate the Yankees”
Michael Vick Accused of Breeding and Selling Sight-Impaired Seeing Eye Dogs
Angry Mob of Republican Operatives Storm NBA League Office to Support Suns Players
Shaquille O’Neal Taking Off Entire Off-Season Too
Yankees Strength Guru Fired for “Philosophical Differences”
Twelve Batboys Held for Possession of Performance Enhancing Drugs

Brady Quinn Falls to 22nd Pick;  Angry QB Blasts Critics with Passive Aggressive Sarcasm

Fans Demand Apology from Don Imus for Embarrassing Display of Public Groveling
Barry Bonds Promises To Hit Home Run for Perfectly Healthy, Rich Kid
Washington Nationals Mathematically Eliminated From 2007 Pennant Race
Bowie Kuhn “Freaked Me Out”: Commissioner’s War on Drugs Exacted Heavy Psychic Toll
Iditarod Brought to Halt as Mistreated Dogs Refuse to Run
Man Who Went Mad After Chris Webber's Infamous Flub, Still Clinically Insane
25,000 Americans Expected to Lose Mind During March Madness
Hollywood Madam Confirms that Tommy Lasorda Bleeds — and "Emits" — Dodger Blue
Academy To Add New Category in 2008: Best Performance by an Athlete in a Supporting Role
An Inconvenient Ruth

Tim Hardaway Says He’s Not Too Enamored With Heterosexuals Either

Iranian President Proclaims Jewish Baseball Players “A Myth”
Is Ted Williams Father of Anna Nicole’s Baby?
NBA Players Exhale as Trading Deadline  Passes Uneventfully
Evil Clown Can’t Understand Why He Got Passed Over as Reds New Mascot
Red Sox Hurler Matsuzaka To Face Godzilla in First Spring Training Game
Minoso Wants to Put Hit Mark Out of Reach
NBA’s Most Unathletic Head Coach Suits Up for One Play
Former Tour de France Cyclist Actually Forgets How to Ride Bike
Seattle Pilots Fan Still Waiting for Autograph Promised Him in 1969
Florida Panthers to Bring NHL Cheerleading on Par with NFL and NBA
Male Figure Skater Admits He’s Straight
Toothless in Toronto
Four Out of Five NASCAR Drivers Depend on DEPEND® 
Former NBA Player Says He’s Gay; Ted Haggard’s “Counselors” Disagree
Ten Years After Making “The Fan” De Niro Still Obsessed with Bobby Rayburn
Man "Lives" in Gym as Family Fortune Goes to Seed
Penguins' Six Game Win Streak Allegedly Snapped by Canadiens
Jackie Robinson’s Number 42 Tired of Being 'Just a Number'
League Denies Head Referee’s Request to Be Relieved of Coin Toss Duties
Rice Has Friendly Bet with Iraqi PM; Rice Picks the Colts, al-Maliki Predicts Defeat of Shia Militia in Southern Iraq  
One Day After  NFL Commissioner Vows to End “Wild Behavior,” Michael Irvin Elected to Hall
Tony Dungy Insists He Was Regular on Last Season of M*A*S*H
Peyton Manning May Not Be Poetry in Motion But He’s a Poet in the Huddle
Miami Cold Snap Catches Bears with Pants Down; Team Packed for 70+ Degree Weather
Goodyear Blimp Pilot Arrested for Airborne Ogling 

Bill Parcells to Write Super Bowl Diary for JockStraps

Chargers Angry at Patriots for Violating Team Logo; Patriots Mascot Later Found Bound, Gagged, Wearing Lace Panties and Makeup
Las Vegas Philharmonic to Perform Music of John Cage at NBA All-Star Game
Bush Recuses Himself from BCS Title Game Citing Conflict of Rooting Interest
Alien from Cygnus Star System to Break Species Barrier in Baseball
Hundreds of Diabetics Protest Outside Sugar Bowl Site
President Gerald Ford, Former College Gridiron Star, Played Fast and Loose with Nuclear Football
CBS Sports Host James "JB" Brown Seriously Injured Executing Physically Demanding Dance Sequence

Rocky's Return Inspires "LollaPalooka"; Former Brawlers to Square Off In Round Robin

Bloodbath

Knicks Player Who Carried Out Coach’s Order for Hit Prepares for Next Assignment
Miami Dolphins Fan Announces Retirement Effective Immediately -- "If Not Sooner"
Quasimodo Returns to Notre Dame to Play at Hunchback
Family Supports Pettitte’s Return to Yankees; Statement Issued by 12 Year Old Son Approves Deal
University of Miami To Axe Sports Program; Will Join Ivy League
Wilt Chamberlain's 20,000 Women Banged Finally To Be Honored by NBA

Steve Nash Can’t Understand Why His Buzzer Beaters Don’t Dissolve into “That Really Cool Slow Motion”

Giants Coach Rallies Downcast Team: “Cheer Up, It Could Be Worse”
Freak Injury Relegates Rosenberg to Everyman Status
Rangers Satisfied with Quality of Recent Losses
New Study Reveals Three Out of Four Referees “Have Feelings”
Derek Jeter is “Really F*ckin’ Bummed” He Didn’t Win MVP

Turkey Executed at Dawn Wins Camp David Football Pool

Pharmacy Technician for CVS Insists He’s Sportscaster for CBS
Eight Economics Professors Jailed for Disorderly Conduct at Ohio State-Michigan Game; One Held for Sloppy Research
Phillies Sign Fans to Three Year Deal
Charlotte Bobcats Continue Search for Identity; Investigators Have Few Leads
Top Doctors Say Golden State Warriors Fans Suffer From Freakish Mass Delusion
Nine Weeks into Season Colts Undefeated; But Joe Namath "Guarantees" Jets Victory in Week Four Matchup
After 57 Years of Marriage, Bobby Bowden’s Wife Finally Admits: "I Don't Understand Football."
Renowned Atheist Calls God a "Delusion" —  But is "Very Impressed" with NBA Commissioner David Stern
Kim Jong Il Challenges Bush to Staring Contest at Madison Square Garden
Expired Driver's License Prevents Stevie Wonder from Driving Relief Pitchers to the Mound in Fall Classic
43 Seconds of Wholesome Sports TV Accidentally Shown During Porn Channel’s Top Show
NASCAR Driver Rex Johnson Refuses to Drive on Jewish Holiday
Astronomers Demote Yankee Boss from Asteroid to Pocket of Intergalactic Gas
Sports Columnist Offically Runs Out of Ideas
Man Believes He's Invented New Sport
Larry Brown Nixed Offer to Replace Bush's Embattled Chief of Staff
RECENT TOP STORIES
Kim Jong Il Challenges Bush to Staring Contest at Madison Square Garden
Expired Driver's License Prevents Stevie Wonder from Driving Relief Pitchers to the Mound in Fall Classic
43 Seconds of Wholesome Sports TV Accidentally Shown During Porn Channel’s Top Show
NASCAR Driver Rex Johnson Refuses to Drive on Jewish Holiday
Astronomers Demote Yankee Boss from Asteroid to Pocket of Intergalactic Gas
Sports Columnist Offically Runs Out of Ideas
Man Believes He's Invented New Sport
Larry Brown Nixed Offer to Replace Bush's Embattled Chief of Staff
 
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