Sportsman's Daily


Angry Mob of Republican Operatives Storm NBA League Office to Support Suns Players

Protest reminiscent of 2000 Florida Recount, but with different outcome.


Republican operatives from the 2000 Florida recount mob NBA League office in Manhattan. The unruly throng agitated on behalf of two Suns' players facing suspension.

NEW YORK, NY (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) – In a scene eerily reminiscent of the 2000 Florida recount, operatives acting on behalf of the Phoenix Suns descended on the NBA’s main office in New York City in an attempt to influence the decision on whether to suspend two Suns players for leaving the bench during an altercation at the end of game four.

Sometime late afternoon Tuesday, a mob of angry briefcase-wielding young operatives in natty Brooks Brothers suits blew past security and defiantly stood outside the conference room where NBA Commissioner David Stern and his executive team debated whether to suspend the Suns’ Amare Stoudamire and Boris Diaw for racing to the defense of team mate Steve Nash, who was sent flying by a nasty Robert Horry body check.

Former UN ambassador John Bolton, who was enlisted in 2000 by former Secretary of State James Baker to shut down the Florida recount, was called in to front the unruly mob of immaculately groomed young Republicans.

"I’m with the Phoenix Suns,” Bolton declared. “And I'm here to shut this process down.”

Chants of “Diaw, Diaw, Diaw” gave way to “Amare, Amare, Amare,” as the Commissioner and his team remained barricaded behind closed doors.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, who voted to stop the 2000 recount on the grounds that it violated the Constitution’s Equal Protection Clause, indicated he was disinclined to favor suspension. “I know, I know, I’m supposed to be a letter-of-the-law kind of guy, but, just like in 2000, you need to ascertain intent. Did the 83 year old Jewish lady from Palm Beach country intend to vote for Pat Buchanan? Who can say? Did Amare Stoudamire or Boris Diaw leave the bench? Yes. Did they do so with the express intent to avenge Horry’s flagrant? I’m not a mind reader, I don’t know that. But what I do know is this: without Stoudamire pulling down a minimum of 10 boards and putting up 20-25 points, the Suns don’t stand a chance. Which means Ginsberg takes the office pool and I’ve got to hear about it in chambers for the next ten fucking years.”

Suns fans grew hopeful when they learned that “Krazy” Katherine Harris was flying in from Sarasota, Florida to join the protest. Unfortunately, Harris misplaced her oversized makeup bag and missed her flight, though it's unclear whether her presence would have altered the Commissioner's decision to ban both Suns players for game five.

We tried reaching Chief Justice Scalia for his reaction, but he was unavailable for comment. We later learned he was on a duck hunting trip with Vice President Cheney and a reluctant Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

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