Andy Rooney Slammed for Slurring Serbian Tennis Players
Aging correspondent narrowly averts brain aneurysm attempting to pronounce Novak Djokovic
Ana Ivanovic. Words elude us.
NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – "60 Minutes" correspondent Andy Rooney caused a mild stir for writing a column several months ago attributing his lack of interest in baseball to his inability to differentiate among players, since according to the doddering curmudgeon, they all go by the name "Rodriguez." What at first appeared to be a racial slur was later attributed to a rare brain malfunction that causes all names -- whether they are Hispanic in origin or not -- to sound like Rodriguez, which prompted many to give Rooney a grudging pass.
However, Rooney's recent comments about the number of Serbs playing in the Australian Open -- which include a men's and women's finalist -- appear to stem from not a brain disorder, but rather his long-standing bias against South Slavic people with distinct Y-DNA chromosome distributions, bearing unpronounceable, vowel-challenged surnames. Three of the world's top ten tennis players are Serbs - Novak Djokovic, 20, ranked No. 3 in the men's game (who just yesterday beat Roger Federer in straight sets), Jelena Jankovic, 23, and Ana Ivanovic, 20, who will play Maria Sharapova in Saturday's women's final.
"My disinterest in tennis as a kid has lasted all my life," said Rooney in his inflammatory column. "I'm still not interested in the game, with all its surfaces -- particularly grass, which is meant for grazing or being interred under when one's time has come -- which, in my case can't come soon enough. Plus, I have a terrible allergic reaction to grass -- I become temporarily agreeable and that really irritates me. I don't watch tennis on television or follow it in the newspaper. And I'm obviously too old and arthritic to maneuver a mouse, so forget about the Internet. I know all about Rod Laver and Arthur Ashe and certainly John McEnroe, who I kind of liked -- in fact, he's my kind of guy. But every player at Flushing Meadow are all named Miloševic to me. They're apparently very good but they haven't caught my interest."
(Ed Note: Mr. Rooney is confused. Serbian strongman Slobodan Miloševic was known for a punishing serve-and-volley game - though it was actually a signature military tactic used to pound ethnic Croats into submission.)
Veteran tennis commentator and gadfly Bud Collins dismissed Rooney's comments as "the last sour gasps of galloping senility."
"Andy Rooney is exactly what you fear becoming as you get older and your mind starts to go: mean, stupid and out-of-touch.Now, if you're not a tennis fan, I can see being disinterested in the all-court game of a Djokovic (pronounced JOKE-o-vitch) or the competitive grit of a Jankovic (pronounced YANK-o-vitch). But unless you're a broken down, bitter old geezer with one foot in the grave and the other firmly planted up your ass, there's no way on God's green earth you can be disinterested in Ms. Ana Ivanovic (pronounced Ee-VAHN-oh yes please-vitch)."
The stunning Ivanovic stands 6-1 and boasts a crunching forehand that brings men to their knees, begging for more. Her website (http://www.anaivanovic.com/) has replaced the other Anna's as the most visited among female athletes -- a piece of information that makes it pointless to continue since anyone reading this -- anyone other than Mr. Rooney -- will have left us for Ana's site by now. In fact, your correspondent will be joining you shortly, once he manages to hustle his wife off the phone.
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