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D-Ray’s Ambidextrous Pitcher Hurls Complete Games in Both Ends of Double Header

Pitch count a record 344 against Red Sox

The Ambidextrous Universe book cover

Everywhere he goes. This must-read for the split-sided individual always travels with Paul “Mountain Man” Sincavage. “I read it front to back,” Sincavage says. “Then back to front, and occasionally from the top down.”

TAMPA BAY, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Paul “Mountain Man” Sincavage was called up Thursday from the Tampa Bay Devil Rays Double A affiliate, Montgomery Biscuits to make an emergency start in the first game of a double header against the Boston Red Sox, then wound up starting both ends of the twin bill. Sincavage, the only known ambidextrous pitcher in professional baseball said he cherished the opportunity show his stuff to the big club. “This is friggin’ awesome,” Sincavage said between tobacco spits.

“He’s got rubber arms, so we figured, ‘what the hell?’ Our starters and relievers need a rest.” Rays manager Joe Maddon said. “He had a rough couple of innings but he got through it.” Rough indeed. Sincavage threw seventy-four pitches in the first inning of game one alone alternating between arms during the inning, sometimes changing sides in one at bat. Umpires agreed to allow him to wear a “Twitt” or twin mitt that can be worn on either hand.

“It was like bizarro world out there,” said Sox third baseman Mike Lowell. “One pitch he’s side arming me from the right side, then I’ve got to battle a lefty knuckler all in the same at bat. Freekin’ weird bro.” Boston’s leadoff hitter Dustin Pedroia shared Lowell’s frustration. “We kicked his ass, but I got so sick of seeing him by my eleventh at bat,” the popular second baseman said. “What’s up with that gnarly, disease-ridden beard and his crazy eyes? I mean holy fuckin’ shit! How about using your bullpen? Enough already!!”

Most observers aren’t sure what to make of Sincavage. But super agent Scott Boras sees him being the first double-income pitcher in baseball history. “Its how you look at I guess,” Boras said. “We’re talking about a guy who can go every two days. They might have to split the Cy Young Award in half for this guy. I just hope the player’s union doesn’t start bitching about overwork.”

“Ever since I was a little kid I used both my arms to do almost everything,” Sincavage said. “One time in sixth grade, my teacher had me write ‘I will not make stupid, silly little noises that disrupt my classmates and call attention to myself anymore’ fifty times. I finished in like five minutes. It really pissed her off. Actually I think what really pissed her off was that I could actually hold the student’s attention better than her with dead-on motorcycle sound effects as opposed to her ridiculous musings on James Madison.”

The Devil Rays will have to make a decision on Sincavage’s fate this week. His two game ERA was 54.83 – not exactly sparkling, but even though both games were lost to Boston 20-3 and 14-6, the pitching staff did get that well deserved rest.

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