Sportsman's Daily


Former NBA Player Says He’s Gay; Ted Haggard’s “Counselors” Disagree

John Amaechi, Patrick Ewing

John Amaechi gives Patrick Ewing a "facial" -- something he usually reserved for his off-the-court same-sex encounters. Ted Haggard's counselors insist that Amaechi is not gay, but is a "non-practicing heterosexual who prefers the company of homosexual men."

NEW YORK, NY (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — In an announcement made yesterday in advance of a book to be published next week, the former journeyman center John Amaechi became the first (albeit former) N.B.A. player to publicly acknowledge that he is gay. In “Man in the Middle,” from ESPN Books, the thirty-six year old Amaechi writes about his sexuality in the homophobic context of profesional sports.

Some, however, dispute Amaechi’s claim that he is in fact a homosexual – specifically Pastor Ted Haggard's "counselors."

Ted Haggard, the national evangelical leader who resigned after admitting to "sexual immorality," was given a clean bill of health by a self-proclaimed Dream Team of Christian “counselors” who say he is now a “fully functioning heterosexual with an asterisk” (which will be removed once Haggard proves he can resist male prostitutes for a period of three straight days). While the counselors have not had any contact with Amaechi or anyone who even claims to know Amaechi, they’ve declared that he is, “without doubt a heterosexual…a non-practicing heterosexual, but a heterosexual nonetheless.”

The counselors issued a statement earlier today.

“Playing in the NBA is a blessing from the Lord. He does not bestow his blessings lightly. Every kid dreams of making it to the NBA, but precious few are blessed with NBA bodies and NBA skill sets. While he was admittedly a journeyman, it is a fact that Mr. Amaechi played for three NBA teams – and he played in the NBA for a reason. And that reason was surely not to use his impressive 6-10 frame and considerable reach to procure sex with random men in random NBA cities.”

Amaechi angrily denounced the counselors, whose identities remain a mystery. “I have no idea who these jokers are, though their hateful agenda is obvious. I don’t know how I can be any clearer: I was, am and will continue to be a gay man. I like guys. Preferably guys over 6-2 who enjoy romantic evenings, smooth jazz and getting caught in the rain.”

Upon hearing Amaechi’s comments, the counselors had this to say: “We’re merely vessels of the Lord’s will. If Mr. Amaechi wants to believe he’s gay, fine. But we know better. And he knows better. There’s nothing wrong with being a heterosexual man who likes sodomizing men – or being sodomized by same. Many upstanding Christians dabble in that very thing. But no where in the Bible is homosexuality defined as two or more males acting on a spontaneous impulse…the Bible makes it clear that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice. It’s about the clothes you wear, the music you listen to and excessive attention to personal grooming.”

But just in case, the counselors insist that Amaechi follow a carefully laid out regimen that includes twice a week "Christian counseling," a 12-step program for sex addiction, and clandestine “hook ups” for more in-depth, one-on-one counseling.

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