Sportsman's Daily


Football Team to Nowhere: Palin Credited with Ending Alaska’s Ludicrous Bid for NFL Franchise

Related News: Word that two Eskimos made Miami Dolphins roster electrifies convention

alaskan football

Alaskan football – where frozen tundra really means frozen tundra.

ST PAUL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Some called it a bridge to the future. Others called it the bridge to Atlanta, as no one expects the hapless Falcons to be going anywhere anytime soon.

Just three months after she was elected Alaska’s governor, Sarah Palin publicly announced her opposition to a proposed NFL franchise that was to be based in the state capital of Juneau, population 30,711. The freshly minted governor bucked the powerful business interests backing the proposal, and taking the advice her daughter Bristol conspicuously did not, “just said no.”

“I said thanks but no thanks on that Team to Nowhere,” said Palin. “If our state wanted a Team to Nowhere we’d all be packing our kids, guns and pelt-wear and heading to Georgia.” Most experts agree that the Falcons should consider themselves lucky that you can’t finish any place lower than last.

Palin was initially in favor of acquiring an NFL franchise, as she refused to believe that a city inaccessible by land -- no roads connect Juneau to the rest of the North American highway system – would pose a hindrance to building a loyal fan base.

TSD Correspondent Carl Davies reports on his attempt to meet with VP nominee Sarah Palin.

“Roads? Alaskans may be many things, but pussies we are not,” thundered Palin. “We’ll set aside parking for non-conventional off-road vehicles and provide food and warmth for dog-teams as they patiently await the game’s outcome. Alaska is ready for an NFL team and I’m sure many players will want to play in Juneau once they learn how many of our warm-blooded young women – and I do mean young – are eager to embrace them.

Since reports of Palin’s “bold stand” came out, it’s been learned that the NFL turned the bid down four months before Palin took office.

“We made the decision almost as soon as the proposal hit our desk and we were done laughing,” said a representative with the NFL’s League Office. “We’d sooner have an NFL franchise on an ice floe in the middle of the Arctic Ocean than have a team based in this godforsaken place. Juneau is not a place you play football – it’s a place you sentence Russian dissidents for hard labor.”

Rick Davis, McCain’s campaign manager, shrugged off the inconvenient sequence of events (Palin approving the team before deciding against it), and said that the important thing is she made the right decision. “Governor Palin has shown the courage and conviction it takes to lead. And the wisdom to realize that football in Alaska makes about as much sense as snowboarding in Phoenix. Or looking for an evening of entertainment in a hick burg like Juneau…where culture is what grows during the brief summer thaw.”

Late Wednesday morning, the floor of the convention center was electrified when it was announced that two Eskimos, Joey Thomas and Trey Darilek, made the roster of the Miami Dolphins. “It’s a sign from above,” said Mildred Pierce Cooper, a Republican delegate from Indiana, who seconds later had to be escorted from the hall when an actual sign from above fell on her head.

It later turned out that Thomas and Darilek were former Edmonton Eskimos, a team in the CFL (Canadian Football League). “I’m looking for a positive talking point here,” said a visibly agitated high level spin doctor to no one in particular. “The Dolphins? They’re as lame as the Falcons. Damn. We’re fucked. Truly.”

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