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Oakland Raiders Assure NFL League Office Al Davis is Still Alive

Unclear Birth Records Dispute Actual Age; Some Say He’s Centuries Old

Al Davis

So Photogenic. Raiders owner Al Davis has been frightening school children for decades just by saying “hello.”

OAKLAND, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — He is the original maverick owner. His aggressive and often hostile business approach ruffled more than a few feathers. But over the past two seasons, Davis has been seen less frequently, prompting certain higher ups in the NFL to speculate whether or not he’s alive.

“I heard he might have been killed by some mercenaries in the mountains between Pakistan and Afghanistan,” said Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, himself considered a maverick owner. “But then someone told me he wouldn’t retire until the Raiders won two more Super Bowls. Shit, that means that old bastard might be alive another hundred years.”

“We don’t know how old he is,” said Morton Sanderson, Raiders Director of Community Relations. “We tell anyone who asks that ‘Mr. Davis is as old as he feels.’ But quiet frankly, he’s never stood still long enough for anyone to do a carbon 14 on him to get an accurate figure.”

Sketchy birth records indicate Davis was born in 1929, but they may have been forged.

“If you’re referring to the birth certificate, you might as well toss it out the window,” said Alameda Country Hall of Records Coordinator, Travis Wilkes. “What we’re dealing with here is someone, or perhaps more accurately, some thing that’s centuries old. I would say he is old enough to have know Ghengis Khan personally – which by the way, might be exactly who he learned his business practices from.”

Though Davis has his detractors, he has been involved in worthy Bay Area community causes for decades. However, he now may have to give up one of his favorite activities –
answering the door and giving candy to children at Halloween. Complaints from neighbors about trick or treaters turning to stone upon gazing upon his hideous face began surfacing almost two decades ago.

“I saw it,” said ‘Timmy,’ now a 28 year old man in the witness protection program and under a constant suicide watch. “I saw the face when I was nine. I immediately chewed on as many Bit O’ Honeys as I could stuff in my mouth with the intention of pulling all the teeth out of my head – a painful and bloody mess I’d hoped would distract me from the psychological horror of staring directly into his eyes. I was wrong.”

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