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All Jacked Up! This jackhammer is an archeologist’s dream. It helped to break a planned hex on the New York Yankees, and inadvertently found some great mysteries of the 20th Century
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BRONX, NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Last week, construction worker, Gino Castignoli, who was working on the new Yankee Stadium, and just happens to be a lifelong Red Sox fan buried a Sox jersey somewhere on the construction site. The announcement delighted Bostonians and infuriated Yankee fans and ownership. But Sunday, Castignoli’s dream of forever cursing the Bronx Bombers came to a screeching halt as tips as to the whereabouts of the infamous piece of apparel paid off. The David Ortiz customized jersey was found and will be sent to Boston and auctioned off for charity.
But construction workers’ hearts skipped a collective beat when they found three very unexpected items. “I got your freakin’ Jimmy Hoffa right over here,” said crew foreman Sal Martinelli. “Looks pretty good too. Preserved real nice and all.” Forensics experts need to confirm if the skeletal remains are indeed those of the former Teamster’s leader, but all indications are that they belong to Hoffa.
Moments after the Hoffa discovery, two more stunning revelations were unearthed. D.B. Cooper, who jumped from a plane in 1971 somewhere in the Pacific Northwest with an estimated $200,000 was found alive in a bunker. “What took you so long?” cracked the fugitive from justice. “As you may have suspected, I’ve invested that two hundred G pretty smartly, hence this lavish New York bunker.” Cooper was led away in handcuffs.
Martinelli then showed members of the media the holy grail of the construction site artifacts. “Here it is,” he said holding up a nondescript, shapeless mass. “Eddie Murphy’s career.” Stunned veteran reporters could hardly believe their eyes. Murphy was notified immediately. “He showed up and looked a little older – a bit underweight,” added Martinelli. “Then (Joe) Piscopo showed up.”
“I guess there’s nothing else buried down there pertaining to me, huh fellas?” the former Saturday Night Live star and Murphy comedic teammate said.
“Sorry Joe, not a thing,” replied veteran construction worker Arnie Posner. “But we’re jackhammering some sewer lines next Thursday, I’ll let you know if something comes up.”
But it was Murphy’s career where all the attention was focused. The forty-seven year old, who was perhaps the biggest movie star of the 1980’s, could only stand in silence as workers hauled up turned down script after turned down script. “It was all there,” said a gaunt looking Murphy afterwards. “All the bad advice and decisions in black and white. I mean, c’mon – Boomerang? Harlem Nights? Damn bro!”
Fortunately for Murphy, now that his career has been found, industry insiders predict he could be back near the top again within eighteen months.
“Yeah, this is pretty sweet,” a more relaxed Murphy added, punctuated by his infectious, famous laugh. “And I owe it all to that Red Sox fan. If it wasn’t for him pulling this stunt, I’d be playing in some dinner theatre in Fort Wayne.”
The recharged Murphy was hustled out of the construction site quickly, but not before hearing some obligatory cheers and jeers from construction workers who shouted, “hey Norbit,” “sing Roxanne,” and the old stand by, “nice ass baby.”
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