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Christopher Walken to Manage Oakland A’s

Offbeat Actor to Employ Disjointed Managerial Style in Attempt to Confuse Opponents

David Ortiz

Walken to First. Chris Walken intends to get players who are issued a base on balls to saunter down the baseline with panache.

OAKLAND, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a stunning move announced yesterday, the Oakland Athletics have fired manager Bob Geren and have replaced him with the eccentric character actor Christopher Walken.

“This was simply a move we had to make,” said A’s General Manager Billy Beane. “Bob was a terrific manager, but we have always done things here in an unorthodox way – so we wanted to experiment with Chris’ menacing style of motivation. We’re confident his horrific yet deadpan bravura will have the balance of the AL West scratching its collective head the entire season.”

Though his scene as the lead character’s suicidal artist brother Dwayne in Woody Allen’s Annie Hall is short and sweet, it perfectly illustrates the sort of classic Walkenesque understated madness that he promises to bring to the A’s dugout.

“The Annie Hall thing was magnificent,” said A’s returning slugger Jason Giambi. “When his character expressed to Woody the uncontrollable desire to turn his car into the oncoming traffic, I thought to myself ‘Wow! If we could only have a manager who thinks like that.’”

Now, Giambi’s dream has come true.

Walken’s love for baseball dates back to the 1950’s when he played Little League in Astoria, New York.

“I – truly enjoy the base ball,” Walken once professed in an esoteric and rambling 1996 interview with Vanity Fair. “To me – the base ball is a metaphor for all things visible – and invisible. Still – it – is – fair. Strange. Weird. Base ball. Play ball. It’s why we live here. Momma made pies after we’d play catch. How can we not love this?”

Critics of the A’s controversial move point to Walken’s inexperience in the dugout. But Beane insists Walken will meet the challenge.

“I saw him manage in a celebrity softball game once,” Beane added. “He took a Louisville Slugger® and viciously beat the other manager until he hemorrhaged. That was good enough for me.”  

Walken’s characteristically expressionless start and stop cadence, sudden offbeat pauses, and seemingly out of place exclamations can catch even the most seasoned, street-smart ruffian off guard.

“With Chris, you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop,” Beane continued. “He can smile in your face one moment – lulling you into a sense of utter, serene complacency with ostensibly harmless non-sequiturs – then suddenly plunge a shrimp fork into your corroded artery without missing a beat. It’s that kind of bare knuckles dichotomy that keeps his players on their toes and the other teams scrambling for cover.”

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