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Since Sheryl Swoopes became Shëryl Swööpes, the WNBÄ has dramatically expanded its fan base, though the influx of "head-bangers" has forced the league to experiment playing in a haze of dry ice and embedding subtle Satanic iconography in their merchandising.
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NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In order to attract more male fans, the WNBA has decided to toughen up its image. The struggling women’s basketball league will insert umlauts in the names of all its teams and its players’ names (for example, the L.A. Sparks will now be the Spärks. And Sheryl Swoopes will be Shëryl Swööpes).
The umlaut is a diacritical mark with German origins and is used in the heavy metal scene to project an image of testosterone-charged mayhem (Blue Öyster Cult, Mötorhead and Queensrÿche, etc.). Studies indicate that the umlaut, even when applied to inherently neutral names or words, conjures a range of highly intimidating images -- thundering Wagnerian gods, invading Nazi hordes, artery hardening ice cream (Häagen-Dazs).
Realizing their female base had bumped up against the proverbial glass ceiling, WNBA President Dönna Orënder was determined to lure 25- to 50-year-old men, the primary demographic of basketball fans. As she knew from years of consistently feeble attendance and lax fan support, simply watching 6-foot-4 women lumbering up and down court hoisting retro set-shots was not going to cut it; Orënder entertained several ideas intended to attract males to the women’s game, including making push-up bras mandatory and introducing leather-clad cheerleading squads to rachet up the sexual (woman-on-woman) tension.
“The overwhelming majority of the NBA’s fan base is male, and we need to tap into that market,” said Orënder. “We did the research and found there’s nothing that exudes masculinity more than umlauts and nothing that attracts males more than bouncing, yet firm, breasts. Now we have both.”
The WNBA’s average attendance is less than 50% of the NBA’s. And recent polls show that the public believes the level of play and the excitement of the WNBA is also less than 50% of the NBA’s.
“While the average man does enjoy watching hot lesbian action, it’s usually the lipstick variety he prefers,” said pollster James Zogby.
The move has already created a buzz.
“It’ll definitely make us more butch,” said Swööpes, as she broke nuts – walnuts – with her armpits.
Basketball observers seem to be buying into the unusual move.
“Without umlauts Mötley Crüe would just be Motley Crue,” said basketball analyst Hubie Brown. “They’d be a bunch of pansies. No way Tommy Lee nails Pam Anderson on that boat if he’s in plain Motley Crue. Imagine if Wham was Whäm. George Michael would be banging babes left and right. Oh, there is one exception in the music world — Hüsker Dü.”
Brown underscored the impact of the umlaut by telling us of the time he ordered a Big Mäc during a visit to Berlin. “The kid behind the counter asked to see my papers. I said, forget it, just give me a Quarter Pöunder with cheese. He looked me up and down like I was some kind of bug – fortunately the tension was broken when Reinhold McDönald showed up to entertain the kids.” |
