Sportsman's Daily


Michael Vick Sentenced to 23 Months and Counseling Under the Watchful Eye of Snoopy

ink blot

Filet O’ Mutt! “That ink blot looks a lot like a Border Collie being sliced down the middle,” Michael Vick tells his counselor Snoopy while under hypnosis.

RICHMOND, VA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Suspended Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was sentenced to twenty-three months in prison on Monday for his role in a highly publicized dogfighting ring. Those present in the courtroom said a somber and remorseful Vick accepted his sentence calmly, but then the fleet footed pass thrower apparently fell apart when the second part of his sentence was handed down.

Judge Henry E. Hudson has required Vick to undergo counseling with beloved comic strip and cartoon dog Snoopy. Vick’s attorney Billy Martin said his client has suffered enough and feels twenty-three months of counseling with a fictitious Peanuts character is a bit excessive. “Mike has accepted what he has done and feels the prison time is just, but he’s really worried that Snoopy’s brand of therapy could open repressed highly unpleasant memories or leave new psychological scars.”

Snoopy began his psychotherapy studies in Stockholm after Peanuts creator Charles Schultz died in February of 2000. “All of the Peanuts characters have gone on to a lot of different things,” said Schultz’s TV collaborator and producer Lee Mendelson. “Sometimes they’ll reunite for a new TV special, but for the most part they stay out of the limelight. For example Pigpen runs a cheese shop in Sausalito, California, Charlie Brown’s an accountant, and Peppermint Patty directs porn.”

“Snoopy didn’t have a day off from 1950 until 2000,” said the legendary dog’s agent and longtime friend Herb Glasman. “He enjoyed his time off, but he was getting a bit antsy and has since grown fond of helping others with counseling.”

Vick will meet with Snoopy every Tuesday and Friday after lunch for intensive three hour sessions. Snoopy’s controversial technique requires no prison personnel be present. So instead, he has enlisted the services of Deputy Dawg and Benji to act as guards should Vick violate the rules. “It’ll be interesting to say the least,” Glasman added. “Not because Dawg and Benji aren’t qualified, but because one is a cartoon and the other is live action. But the folks at George Lucas’ Industrial Light and Magic are going to help out with some kind of CGI aftereffects.”

“Personally, I think the whole thing is a bit wacky,” added Martin. “I was never a big fan of Peanuts with the exception of the Great Pumpkin thing -- that was kind of cool. I’m also a bit partial towards that Peanuts theme everybody sings the first part of.”

“I’m no expert,” offered Mendelson. “But after Mr. Vick goes through almost two years of this kind of therapy, and as much as lays a hand on some poor, unsuspecting puppy ever again, every Pluto, Lassie and McGruff will come out of the woodwork and kick his butt.”

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