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Michael Vick Slated to Star in Latest Remake of “The Longest Yard

Office Prison

Soft cell. Michael Vick snags the role of Paul “Wrecking” Crewe in the latest remake of The Longest Yard. He’ll spend a great deal of his time in this production office.

SURREY COUNTY, VA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Troubled NFL quarterback Michael Vick, who was sentenced to twenty-three months in prison for his involvement with a dogfighting ring was told by his agent he’ll be portraying Paul “Wrecking” Crewe in the newest remake of the prison football comedy, The Longest Yard. The character of Paul Crewe was played by Burt Reynolds in the original 1974 film which depicted a group of prisoners in a knock-down drag out football game with the prison guards. In the most recent 2005 version, the role went to Adam Sandler. Vick however, is arguably the most athletic of the bunch and plans on making all his own passes.

Shooting begins next May and will feature real prisoners in supporting roles. “I’m excited,” a beaming Vick said during visitation hours. “And all the inmates are jacked up. They’re already working on their lines and running deep patterns. I’m particularly impressed by James “Spleeneater” Tomlinson. Sure, he cuts across the middle real well, but it’s the little facial expressions that I think are going to be absolute magic once the cameras start rolling. Facial expressions that need no spoken accompaniment that say things like ‘I’m going to reach down your throat, pull out your liver, and other internal organs and show them to you before you die’ – that kind of stuff.”

Even though Vick has snagged the role for the nifty sum of 1.5 million dollars, he still hasn’t secured the starting quarterback position on the actual prison team itself. “Mike’s got a nice arm and moves really well,” said Sam Carbone, the team’s head coach, who also happens to be serving consecutive life sentences for racketeering, armed robbery, and machine-gunning the entire cast of the stage adaptation of Fried Green Tomatoes. “But on my team, I expect results. I want to see him read defenses before he takes a snap in a game. I don’t care if these Hollywood big shots or football yahoos think he can play or not. Dammit, this is the PFL (Prison Football League). Go ahead! Name any other mass murderer who can coach like me!”

Paramount Pictures Executive Albert S. Ruddy, whose credits include The Godfather and Apocalypse Now believes Carbone’s challenging tone is merely coachspeak. “It’s early,” said the 77 year old writer-producer, who was slowly sipping a bottle of Evian outside the prison gate. “We’ve got plenty of time to prove to the coach that Mike not only deserves a shot at this role, but a place on the prison team among some of the finest swindlers, hoodlums, hit men, rapists, and televangelists in the business.” Ruddy, flanked by four or five assistants then paused and said raising an eyebrow, “Let’s just hope he doesn’t run a dog leg right.”

After a painfully long and awkward pause he added, “Dog leg right? Don’t you people get it? Ha! Ha! Ha! For God’s sake people, it’s a joke. Dog leg…oh, forget it.”

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