Sportsman's Daily


Former Relief Ace Ugueth Urbina Still in Prison; Says He’s Turned His Life over to L Ron Hubbard

carlos santana

Fireman of the Year! Former fireballing closer Ugueth Urbina used this can of gasoline in his attack on some of his personal employees. He's now cleansing himself of past wrong doings with the help of L Ron Hubbard. Does this mean they get workman's comp?

CARACAS, VENEZUELA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Ugueth Urtain Urbina, one of the top relievers in baseball just five years ago, and still only thirty-three years old, remains in a Venezuelan prison near Caracas after being charged earlier this year with attempted murder from an incident that occurred in 2005.

“Lots of guys lose their way and turn to Jesus,” said Urbina. “But I saw a copy of Dianetics lying in the corner of the prison library and started leafing through it. Man this guy (L Ron) Hubbard really had his shit together -- If you can look past the fact that he thought he was from a sixty billion year old civilization from Saturn, had a bunch of nubile teenage virgins waiting on him hand and foot on his renegade ship that sailed the Mediterranean during the 1960’s, and would think nothing of tossing blindfolded disobedient crew members overboard. I’ve chosen to turn the other cheek and focus exclusively on the knowledge expanding experiments he did by drowning baby lambs.”

Urbina, who last pitched in the majors in 2005 for Philadelphia, was involved in an attack on men who worked for him, who he claimed were using his pool without permission. Urbina and some associates attacked the workers with machetes and gasoline. Unfortunately for them, it was high test gasoline which creates a more sophisticated burn.

“Yeah, they flared up pretty good,” Urbina chimed. “A rapidly-pulsating blue and white flame coupled with unending blood curdling screams in a lower Venezuelan dialect is positively breathtaking. I’m sure if L Ron was alive today and saw what we did, it would have really tipped his E-Meter.”

Urbina admits he’s still a Scientology novice, but says his fifteen year sentence affords him plenty of free time to familiarize himself with the religion Hubbard created nearly sixty years ago.

“I’ll only be forty-eight when my sentence is over,” Urbina said. “So I want to make a comeback in baseball with the new body and a ‘fall-off-the’table’ breaking ball promised to me by Scientology. I’m still putting that part together. Does my current body rejuvenate itself by some miraculous fusion of engram cleansing, B vitamins and getting daily hand jobs from recent female converts? Or is my newly programmed Clear transferred into some poor, freshly dug up son of a bitch who met with an untimely or suspicious death - say, due to his newly installed disc brakes giving out on Mulholland Drive on a rain swept evening as Tom Cruise, John Travolta and a couple of knuckle dragging Scientology strong arms lurk in the shadows with malevolent smirks painted on their faces? Who am I to guess?”

What is certain is that Urbina has wholly embraced Scientology and all the writings of L Ron Hubbard. “It’s fun,” added the two time all-star. “Plus, I like messing with the heads of some of the great unwashed here at the prison – convincing them that a race of seventeen foot, furry Cycloptic monsters live in the prison plumbing and only the ghost of L Ron Hubbard can save them. You should see the looks on their faces. What a fuckin’ hoot!”

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