Sportsman's Daily


Trade to Celts Still a Rumor, Yet Marbury Already a Locker Room Cancer

radioation treatment

This radiation treatment device might come in handy should the Celtics acquire the cancer-spreading services of Stephon Marbury.   

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — An hour after the Celtics' shocking 100-88 loss to the Knicks, Kevin Garnett spoke to a small group of reporters, who asked him for his feelings about reunited with Knicks’ tempestuous point guard, Stephon Marbury.  
"If Steph came to this team and made it better, I'm all for that. If anybody came to his team and made it better, I would be for that," said Garnett, choosing his words carefully.  “But the question is, will Steph actually make us better.”

Garnett paused to consider the possibility.
“I’ll be straight up wit ya," he said, "Steph’s a selfish, moody combative prick. Fumble a pass or miss an open look, you’ll never see the ball again. The dude’s a cancer everywhere he’s played.  Is it a cancer that can be contained? Maybe. But then you’ve got to ask: what are the side-effects? If the cancer goes into remission and you lose your eyebrows, ok, we can live with that – but if it means you need to wear a diaper under your shorts cause you can’t control your bladder, well, I can’t speak for anyone else in this locker room, but if I have to worry whether I’m gonna be leaving a puddle under the basket every time I post up, that’s a big problem.”   
Garnett’s endorsement, albeit lukewarm at best, was not exactly shared by his teammates, several of whom were surprised to see Marbury outside the visiting locker room prior to Sunday’s game. Though banned from MSG premises, the cagey Marbury apparently “greased” his way in, intent on greeting his possible new teammates.    
“The last thing we needed to see before heading out onto the floor is Stephon fucking Marbury,” said Paul Pierce, still seething thirty minutes after their stunning defeat. “When he was playing I actually looked forward to seeing him out on the floor, knowing within ten minutes he’ll be screaming at his teammates and getting into it with about 500 Knicks fans who can’t stand the dude. So my first reaction seeing him standing there meant we might actually be in for a game. My second reaction was: I do not under any circumstances want this asshole on my team."

"I know it’s only trash-talking,” continued one of the league’s pre-eminent practitioners of the art, “but over the years things were said that can’t just be swept under the rug. Hurtful, mean-spirited things that go well beyond yo momma this, yo momma that – stuff well beyond the bounds of civilized, NBA-grade trash talking. The thing with Marbury is, it doesn’t end when the whistle blows; he follows you to your car, leaves trash on your voice mail and sends you nasty emails with these sneering little emoticons. He’s just not a nice guy.”
At half-time, a tense, angry Celtics locker room was made even more so when Marbury poked his head inside – “just to say hello.”  Several Celtics, including Center Kendrick Perkins, had to be restrained.
“The sight of a grinning Marbury set a bunch of the guys off,” said Dr. Vincent Sarnoff, the Celtics team doctor, who likened Marbury to an aggressive glioblastoma, a common form of brain cancer. “He can say all the right things and send all the right signals, but  he’s basically an untreatable cancer that will inevitably attack a team’s vital organs. The effects are immediate and devastating. If Danny (Ainge) and Doc (Rivers) think it’s worth the gamble, fine. But it’s no accident that he turns every locker room he enters into a cancer ward. I give it two weeks before TD Banknorth Garden starts feeling like a wing of Sloan Kettering.”

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