Sportsman's Daily


Joe Torre and Yankees Adopt Siege Mentality in Taking Game Three

Gathering his “wandering wits” Steinbrenner issues threats; team and coaching staff galvanized.

Joe Torre

Field Marshall Joe Torre echoes classic response to the threats issued earlier by Yankee Boss George Steinbrenner: "Nuts!"

NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Around midnight on Saturday, with their season hanging in the balance, Yankees manager Joe Torre summoned his coaching staff for an emergency meeting. As instructed, coaches brought water, blankets, a change of clothes and “provisions,” as they solemnly entered Torre’s heavily fortified office deep in the bowels of Yankee stadium. Minutes of tense silence ensued as Torre purposefully paced his cramped office, nervously pounding his palm with his riding crop. The only other sounds were the distant drip of leaky plumbing and the shifting of sandbags outside the office, as a batboy and assistant equipment manager dutifully went about the task of “hardening the perimeter.”

“Gentlemen,” said Torre, in a battle-weary rasp, “we’re up to our asses in bat guano, our men are getting torn apart from heavy artillery from impregnable emplacements high in the hills. And the fat, babbling jackass won’t shut the fuck up.”

“Fat, babbling jackass” (or “Babbling Jack”) was understood code for Herr Steinbrenner, who the day before roused from a long-standing mental fog to thunder threats from his Tampa redoubt.

“His job is on the line,” Steinbrenner was quoted as saying. “I think we’re paying him a lot of money. He’s the highest-paid manager in baseball, so I don’t think we’d take him back if we don’t win this series.”

Torre, his coaches, and “the men,” were not about to take the threats lying face down on the massage table. With Torre’s call to arms still ringing in their ears (“The costs may be high, but we will not cease until victory is within our grasp and George is returned to his long twilight of drooling confusion…”), the coaching staff called the players in for a top secret briefing on “Operation Bed Pan,” indicating their collective resolve to mount a final assault, capture the series and send Steinbrenner back into the clutches of his doctors and nurses.

One at a time, the players filed in…fabled mercenary Roger Clemens wafted in on a cloud of Ben-Gay…decorated hero Derek Jeter came in wearing goggles and his flight jacket, trailing a rakish scarf and a Hollywood starlet…special forces op Alex Rodriguez came in wearing perfectly pressed fatigues, carefully applied greasepaint and a pearl handled pistol dangled from his designer gun belt. It was an impressive show of force, though Hideki Matsui sent a ripple of dread through the room when he appeared wearing a bandana and brandished a Samurai sword.

The Bombers proceeded to take out the Indians 8-4, as veterans (Johnny Damon, Mariano Rivera) and fresh recruits (Robinson Cano, Melky Cabrera), put the squad on their backs and carried out lightening strikes in innings five and six.

After the game, Torre was asked if he had anything to say to Steinbrenner and his threats. Torre thought for a second, spun the large globe sitting on his desk (which, for unexplained reasons, was covered with aerial maps), smirked, then uttered what is likely to go down as an all-time classic:

"Nuts. And tell George I'm not talking macademia. ”

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