FOX Taps Tim McCarver to Once Again State Painfully Obvious During World Series
Baseball Color Man Looking Forward to Talking Down to Huge Audience
“A game winning homer would send these fans home happy!” No shit Sherlock. Tim McCarver’s maddening grasp of the obvious has worn thin with even the most casual of baseball fans. But hardcore devotees have expressed the overwhelming desire to seriously hurt themselves as early as the third inning.
PHILADELPHIA, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Watching FOX’s broadcast of the National League Championship Series between the Los Angeles Dodgers and Philadelphia Phillies might have had elements of excitement on the field, but in the broadcast booth - death. And fans can expect more of the same during the upcoming World Series.
“That’s the overall sentiment among most baseball fans as the agonizing color commentary of (former major league catcher and long time analyst) Tim McCarver permeates the airwaves,” says John Harbidge, TV writer for The Philadelphia Inquirer. “Personally, when I hear that Tennessee drawl fused with his excruciatingly witless plays on words, and the uncanny knack for over-dramatizing a routine grounder, I want to plunge a shrimp fork into my corroded artery. I swear, I’d have blown a Navy Seal in Macy’s window at high noon just to have seen Pat Burrell foul off a one-hundred mile per hour pitch back into the broadcast booth with the window open striking McCarver in the temple. Anything to shut that fucker up!”
Clearly knowledgeable about the game, McCarver for some reason chooses to over-simplify and draw out his explanations often comparing them to incidents from his childhood in a homespun vernacular - often times as three or four pitches are thrown in the interim, confounding viewers and exasperating his broadcast partners. Play-by play man Joe Buck was seen scaling a light stand at Wrigley Field threatening to jump during a regular season game earlier this year as McCarver went on and on about how his Aunt Millie would soft toss him balls of yarn as a youngster then invite him in for rhubarb pie on lazy summer afternoons. “On the surface it was a cute story – real Americana - charming in a way,” Buck said, noticeably covering up his right wrist scarred from repeated suicide attempts. “Until he had to explain to everyone what rhubarb is. ‘It’s in the Polygonaceae family reclassified as a fruit sometime in the 1940’s, Tim!! We all know that, Tim!! By the way, Carlos Zambrano just struck out the side you condescending fuck!’”
“I love baseball,” McCarver said. “It’s my job to bring it to the masses. If that means having to explain it in layman’s terms to Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Beer Can, so be it.” Much to McCarver’s surprise, generations of fans understood the game long before he came along. Alvin Swanson, 93, of St. Louis and a lifelong Cardinals fan confronted McCarver as the broadcaster was entering Busch Stadium to cover a Saturday game for FOX this season. “I told him I remember his days as a player here in the early sixties,” Swanson said. “I explained I heard the story he told on a recent broadcast about how he enjoyed going to Clark’s Sweet Shoppe after the games. I worked at Clark’s Sweet Shoppe. It closed in 1949. Then he handed me an autographed ball and said, ‘this is a baseball pops, we play baseball with it.’ I wanted to kick him in the nuts, but I use a walker now.”
The Authors of The Sportsman’s Daily