Sportsman's Daily


Tiger Woods – Golf Channel Fallout: Al Sharpton Literally Comes out of Woodwork While Man is Watching TV Report on Tiger Woods – Golf Channel Fallout

“He just materialized out of the knotty pine,” says Ken Perkins

Reverend Al Sharpton

Sharpton Your Focus. Ghostly images of Reverend Al Sharpton have literally appeared out of the woodwork across the country.

SWARTHMORE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Golf Channel anchor person Kelly Tilghman has been suspended for two weeks after making racially insensitive remarks about golfer Tiger Woods, saying on air the opposing players should “lynch him (Woods) in a back alley.” Woods, who is friends with Tilghman, said he felt there was no ill-intent and added the issue “is over.” However, Reverend Al Sharpton, has taken up the fight on Woods’ behalf and has demanded Tilghman be fired.

Though nearly everyone agrees Tilghman’s remarks were inexcusable and at the very least a suspension is in order, several media members are lashing out at Sharpton, fresh off the Don Imus – Rutgers Women’s Basketball team controversy, as being an opportunist and using the incident to promote himself and his own personal agenda.

“Reverend Sharpton does have a proclivity to drop whatever he’s doing and make himself readily available for the inevitable domino effect of these unfortunate incidents with absolute blinding speed and efficiency,” said George Carson, Professor of Humanities at Swarthmore College in Swarthmore, Pennsylvania. “I wish I could get my stock broker to move like that. Still, the event at the Perkins’ home over on Sproul Lane has got the town buzzing with talk of the supernatural.”

The occurrence Carson is referring to happened in the den of Ken Perkins. Perkins, an attorney and avid golfer, was watching a report on the Tiger Woods – Kelly Tilghman incident when the room was suddenly illuminated with a strange glow. A startled Carson could barely believe his eyes with what happened next. “All of a sudden, Reverend Al appeared out of the woodwork,” said Perkins. “What I mean is we have this knotty pine wall and bookcase and Sharpton instantly materialized in the general area between my copies of volumes six and eighteen of the United States Supreme Court Report, annotated of course. Now, it’s not my area of law, but I think that’s trespassing. And let me add parenthetically that had this happened next week, he would have emerged from the cherry wood woodwork, as we’re having the place redone.”

Though Sharpton’s swiftness at placing himself front and center at societal flash points is well documented, this is the first known occurrence of the social advocate appearing in a semi-gaseous state.

"Though he was bathed in a blue-green hue, and was partially transparent, the reverend was impeccably dressed and well coiffed,” added Perkins. “He smelled of expensive French cologne and almost immediately launched into a glittering parade of wordplay and literary citations perplexing enough to stymie a Harvard graduate. And I should know - I am a Harvard graduate - class of ’68. Anyway, as I watched the report, he asked me my intent, and how it made me feel watching it. I was frozen. I was afraid to say anything. A witty remark on racial relations intended to charm and defuse may have come out inappropriately. Who knows? I may have used a word that up until now I figured was harmless, like broccoli or aspirin. I was paralyzed with the fear that I might wind up on the news. Of course, now I am on the news.”

The Sharpton phenomenon is apparently not exclusive to the Perkins home, as reports are coming in that the reverend is appearing from out of the woodwork in sports bars, sports radio stations and country clubs across the nation. However he encountered a bit of difficulty coming forward from the recently installed Masonite in the clubhouse of Birch Tree Links near Charlotte, North Carolina, which by the way recently changed their restricted status.

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