Sportsman's Daily


Tiger’s Clutch Putt Gives Porn Star the “Yips”

Tiger Woods

Thousands of males respond to Tiger's clutch putt to end regulation with a roughly equal measure of awe and performance anxiety.

SANTA MONICA, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) -- Porn star Melanie Waters vacantly buffed her nails as she lay naked, bound and spread-eagled across a large desk in a fake office in a cramped Santa Monica studio that smelled of cigars, sweat and semen. Director Lance Andrews was not quite as relaxed, as he waited impatiently for his male lead Dick Mann to pull himself from the screen while Tiger was lining up his soon-to-be celebrated 12 foot putt on the 18th at Torrey Pines.

“When Tiger sunk the putt I’m like, ok, let’s get back to work, we’re behind, it’s drafty in here, this is the big office scene, we need to focus,” said Andrews. “But something happened between the time Tiger drained the putt and Melanie’s lips locked in on Dick’s cock. You could literally smell the fear – which, on a porn set would have to be mighty potent to even register.”

The rest of the day’s shoot had to be postponed, as the usually reliable Dick Mann became increasingly tentative and irritable.

“And to think I actually fooled myself into believing I have the chops to leave porn to do dinner theater,” Mann moaned in a rare moment of introspection. “Tiger drills a pressure-filled putt will millions watching like it’s nothing and here I am, two feet from the hole – several, actually -- and I can’t knock it down. Just pathetic.”

There were scores of similar stories, of males from various walks of life responding aversely to Tiger’s clutch putt.

“It is not a surprise that men would see Tiger come through with so much on the line and take it as a psychological punch to the gut,” said renowned family psychologist Dr. Edward Karton. “Tiger has yet again raised the performance standard. You don’t have to be an athlete to understand the implications, as most men regardless of their background or status will find it harder to justify their repeated failures in clutch situations.”

Sales manager Craig Whitson expects it will surface during the morning’s sales meeting. “The guys will all be talking about how clutch Tiger is. But when things settle down and I go over their highly un-clutch sales numbers, I guarantee that you’ll see grown men crying. Tiger’s putt just underscores how inadequate we all are, myself included, as I will be the first to admit my complete mediocrity and inability to come up big when it counts.”

Tiger’s clutch putt prompted a Long Island housewife to abuse her husband for his “disgusting inadequacy.”

“Gee, that was embarrassing,” said Stanley Folz, as his wife was being questioned by police outside their suburban home. “I’ll admit, I’m not the most consistent guy in the world, I have my ups and downs, and there have been occasions – anniversaries, birthdays, Halloween – when the pressure was on and I came up short. But you don’t start throwing things at me or beating me over the head with a fairway metal for god sakes, just because you suddenly realize how big the gap is between a regular Joe like me and this Woods guy and everything he represents. I mean, if I were a porn star and sustaining a high level of performance meant putting food on the table, then yeah, I could see your point.”

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