Sportsman's Daily


Terrell Owens Signs with Bills; Looks Forward to Alienating Teammates by Week Two

Terrell Owens

Trouble Off to Buffalo. Terrell Owens is bringing his high wire hijinx and melodrama to a city that hasn’t seen an iota of excitement since the opening of the Erie Canal in 1825.

BUFFALO, NY (Sportsman’s Daily wire Service) Perennial All-Pro Wide Receiver Terrell Owens is now a member of the AFC East Buffalo Bills. The 35 year old Owens, no stranger to controversy, says he’s looking forward to alienating his fourth team in seven years.

“Basically what I do is look for weaknesses,” said Owens rolling his eyes, obviously frustrated he has to explain it all again to the throng of media. “I pick out the weak ones – you know, the players and personalities on the team that are essentially the nice guys. Then it’s ‘conquer and divide.’ Generally by the time training camp breaks, I’ve got quarterbacks and three-hundred pound linemen questioning their own sanity with my finger pointing and ambiguous double talk. Then of course I bait you guys – the media. You follow me because you’re so hungry for a story just to keep your sad, pathetic jobs, you tail me like paparazzi after Paris Hilton. And the sad part is you all think you’re going to get ‘the story.’ Well, here’s the story – there is no story. I’m just a sociopathic has-been who never had a real relationship with another human being. But you losers need quotes like Shaq needs cheeseburgers. Next question.”  

Several Bills personnel have already expressed concern over the acquisition of Owens.

“The man is what we call in the business a ‘Grade A Vagina,’” said Head Coach Dick Jauron. “He wasn’t high on my list of priorities, but I suppose ownership had other ideas. The minute I found out, I upped my hours with my shrink. I’ve also considered buying a gun.”

Sports psychologists Alan Levin feels Owens may finally be in need of an intervention.

“Mr. Owens skills as a professional wide receiver don’t need to be debated,” said Levin. “He clearly has exceptional skills, but his mind is sick – very, very sick. He needs what we used to call in the old days, ‘a good old-fashioned beat down’ because he just doesn’t get it. I suggest new teammates Marcus Stroud and Kyle Williams take him into the showers, strip him down naked, and pull a ‘Billy Batts/Goodfellas’ routine on him will while Demetrius Bell pours Tabasco® Sauce in his rectum. That may start the long, arduous process of healing. Go Bills!”

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