Sportsman's Daily


Bad Day Gets Worse: Spitzer Arrested for Scalping Courtside Tickets to Federer-Sampras Exhibition

Disguised as Orthodox Rabbi, Disgraced NY Gov. Nabbed Outside MSG Trying to Sell Tix for Whopping $4K


NY Gov. Eliot Spitzer misses out on competitive Federer-Sampras exhibition, having been caught with high-priced hookers and high priced tickets.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — A day after law enforcement officials said he was a client of a high-end prostitution ring, New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer compounded his troubles when he was arrested outside Madison Square Garden for scalping two court side tickets to the Roger Federer-Pete Sampras exhibition, that was to be held later that evening. The arresting officer claimed that Spitzer was asking $4,000 for the pair of highly coveted tickets (roughly what it cost the Gov. to procure a couple hours of high end "relief").

“At first I didn’t notice anything unusual, though you don’t often come across an Orthodox rabbi outside the Garden, looking to strike up conversations with random passers-by, unless of course he just sprang from one of those so-called mitzvah mobiles you see around the city,” said officer Thomas Quinn, referring to a squadron of vans run by a sect of ultra-Orthodox Jews that comb the streets looking for “lapsed Jews.” “But I got suspicious when he was propositioned by a well-endowed, provocatively-dressed blond, with whom he was clearly familiar. I’ve heard of a lot of kinky stuff – guys dressed as the Pope, the Archbishop of Canterbury, you name it – but never a Hassidic rabbi. It just didn’t add up.”

News of Spitzer’s latest brush with the law had the Garden crowd buzzing.

“To tell you the truth, it was hard getting into the match,” said Donald Trump, an avowed Peter Sampras fan. “Picturing that moralizing SOB consorting with high-priced call-girls, and now this…half of my waking hours is spent belittling people, the other half is spent gloating about their misery and heartache. But when the second set headed toward a tie-breaker, I got my focus back. I left a message on Eliot’s cell letting him know he missed one helluva match.”

Anna Wintour, the legendarily demanding editor of Vogue and a friend of Federer’s, also found the image of the Governor in rabbinical garb “unsettling”and a “major distraction.”

“Five years ago designers were showing lines with hints of Kaballah-inspired cuts and colors, obviously under the Madonna influence,” said Wintour. “The Governor’s choice of disguise was so obviously out-of-step you wonder if he wasn’t just begging to be caught.” Unlike Trump, Wintour had little trouble focusing on the match itself. “Actually, the governor had better seats than we did, so I had my assistant grab them. While I was pulling for Roger, you could really appreciate the spin, power and placement of Sampras’ serve, and the relentless pressure he put on Roger, who I’ll admit, at times looked hurried and flustered -- like any second he was going to be outted as Client 8.” (Prosecutors indicate that an encounter between a prostitute named Kristen and a man described as “Client 9,” refers to Spitzer.)

As the Federer-Sampras match wore on, the Spitzer affair was pushed well into the background, as the drama inside the arena carried into a third set, which Federer took in another tie-breaker.

“Man, that was a better match than anyone could have anticipated,” said tennis great John McEnroe, who was among the many celebrities in attendance. “The Pistol still’s got game – no one on today’s tour serves and volleys like that, which obviously gave Roger trouble. I still think Roger’s the best of all time – he just has so many weapons. And the mental part of his game is second to none – I mean, the guy’s a genius. What other number one in the world pockets a cool $1 million for a couple hours of work? To put it in perspective, Spitzer was being serviced by call-girls raking in up to $5.5K an hour. Do you know how many times you’d need to blow Eliot Spitzer to pocket a million bucks? Roger just has to stay on his side of the net for a couple of hours and shake Pete’s hand when it’s over. Genius.”

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