Sportsman's Daily

 

Red Sox Counter Yanks Billy Crystal Move by Signing Dennis Leary and Conan O’Brien

Duo to be Battery Mates in Upcoming Spring Training Game with Reds

 

Conan

The “On-Deck.” A new dance Conan O’Brien plans on busting out in his Red Sox debut.

FT. MYERS, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) If the Boston Red Sox are truly trying to become the team of the 21st century, they’re doing it by getting some pointers from the team of the 20th century’s lineup card. After the New York Yankees signed comedian and lifelong Bombers fan Billy Crystal to a spring training contract, the Sox answered by inking actor-comedian Dennis Leary and late night host Conan O’Brien to play this spring in an upcoming game against the Cincinnati Reds.

“I can hardly wait to take the hill and dazzle the Reds with my thirty-eight mile per hour heater, maybe even take something off it from time to time,” said O’Brien. “We have a few contractual incentives to work out of course, but I’ll be ready by game time. And by the way, Yankees suck!”

Leary who will call the balls and strikes showed even more bravado. “As everyone knows, I’m a tad psychotic,” the chain-smoking Rescue Me star said while strapping on his shin guards. “So don’t be surprised if I take a thirty-four inch Adirondack and belt Adam Dunn right in the stones. Or maybe get into a good old fashioned knife fight behind second base with some snot nosed kid who thinks he can make the jump from Double A to the show. You gotta take these fuckers down and few pegs, show ‘em who’s boss.”

“Hmm, perhaps we were a bit premature with the Leary signing,” said Sox GM Theo Epstein after hearing Leary’s comments. “We appreciate Dennis’ enthusiasm for the game and devotion to Red Sox Nation, but holy shit, a knife fight? Where did this guy learn to rumble, by watching West Side Story? Just take a fuckin’ 9mm Glock and end it. But seriously folks, we’ll keep our eye on Dennis. As for Conan, he’s all arms and legs and his quirky delivery might baffle some hitters. Terry’s (Red Sox manager Francona) the guy to speak to that.”

But Francona seemed in no mood to discuss O’Brien’s pitching as he was huddled in a corner of his office in a fetal position immediately after learning of the signing. “So, my career’s come down to this?” the forty-eight year old skipper said. “This is the thanks I get for bringing two World Series championships to this town. Just because the Yankees sign Billy Crystal, we have to go off and pull some silly spring training stunt like this? Will it ever end?”

But baseball guru Peter Gammons likes the move. “If you look at it objectively, I think the Sox got the better end of the deal,” the Hall of Fame writer and media personality said. “Crystal might have an edge with the big home run punch line. And his impressions of Ali, Sammy Davis Jr. and Fernando Lamas are dead on which might distract some young pitchers. But Leary has the full-on intimidation factor. And Conan has those weird, wonderfully bizarre dances he does, which the young Venezuelan ballplayers just can’t get enough of.”

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