Sportsman's Daily


Red Wings Clinch Stanley Cup; Unimpressed and Unfazed, Penguins’ Sid Crosby Prepares for Game Seven

“I am not making any decisions tonight,” declares the young star.


Sid Crosby goes Hillary, refusing to acknowledge defeat despite all evidence to the contrary.

PITTSBURGH, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) -- As the final second ticked off the clock, the Detroit Red Wings poured onto the Mellon Arena ice to begin celebrating their 3-2 victory, claiming their fourth Stanley Cup in 11 years.

While Penguins players slowly began their dirge-like procession to the losing locker room, their star forward, twenty-year old Sidney Crosby, stubbornly refused to acknowledge that the series was, by every reasonable measure other than his own, over.

“I admire the way our opponents have competed, they’re disciplined and talented and deserve to be one of the two last teams standing,” he graciously acknowledged. “But the final scores don’t give the complete picture, nor does the fact we were outscored 17-10 over the course of the series, particularly when you consider how many more scoring opportunities we had but didn’t cash in.”

Crosby paused as if suddenly acknowledging the fallacy in his reasoning, before trial-ballooning another line of argument.

“Also, you must consider the not insignificant disparity in our support. While I’m not privy to the exact final tally, I’m pretty sure we drew far more to the three games played in Pittsburgh than they drew in the three games we played in Detroit. Some 60,000 people came out in just three days to show their support. This included Shirley Kline, a single mother from Mount Lebanon, who saved for three weeks to attend Game Two with her two young songs. And Thomas Barr, a laid-off machinist from Monroeville without health insurance who made tremendous sacrifices to attend tonight’s game. And I’ll never forget Molly Inge from Fox Chapel, who lost one of three jobs when she failed to show up for the night shift to attend Game Four.” An emotional Crosby paused to gather himself. “What would it say to the Shirleys and Thomases and Mollys all across this great nation – but especially in and around Pittsburgh and the great battleground state of Pennsylvania – if we didn’t continue to fight on their behalf?”

“I know people are asking, ‘what does Sid want?’” asked Crosby. “I want to hear from you. Go to and help me determine how to move forward with the best interests of the Pittsburgh Penguins."

Detroit forward Henrik Zetterberg, the Conn Smythe Trophy winner as the playoffs’ most valuable player, said that he expected Crosby to come around once he realized that “the math is simply not on his side. Though in fairness to Sid, who’s a good kid, I suppose if you subscribe to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, everything is kind of up for grabs.”

Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell urged Crosby to wind down his “campaign” and accept defeat. “As one of Hillary Clinton’s most stalwart supporters, I just don’t have the energy to do this a second time. Defending a highly narrow interpretation of reality is mentally exhausting. For the good of the party, for the good of the NHL…for the sake of our mental health…it’s time we all came together and embraced the obvious.”

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