Sportsman's Daily


NCAA Football: Electoral College to Play School of Hard Knocks Beginning in 2008

Deprived Fans of Both Schools Finally Getting Gridiron Programs


Gimme an H!! And whatever loose change you’ve got handy. Jimmy Casey attended the School of Hard Knocks in the early 70’s and is thrilled to see his alma mater finally field a football team.

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — “Thrilled” is how one Electoral College fan put it. “Finally” is what a School of Hard Knocks booster said while enjoying a steaming bowl of gruel. In a move that has been long overdue, two great American institutions have gotten the go ahead to field football teams for the 2008 season. They’ll play their first game on September 6th.

“What better way to debut both teams than oppose each other in their inaugural game?” said Carter Miller, an elector from the sprawling campus of the Electoral College. “I can hardly wait till kick off.”

Students, faculty, and boosters from both schools received the news Sunday evening. At the Electoral College, electors were having their monthly black tie gala when Albert Kensington asked the orchestra to stop playing so he could make the announcement amid polite applause and champagne corks popping. At the School of Hard Knocks, word spread quickly when Leo Delaney carved the news with a knife on the long decaying naked body of Herb Casterline after hearing about it on the school’s 1939 Zenith radio.

The Electoral College is confident they’ll be able to field a team in time for the first game. However, Hard Knocks representatives still need to name a coach and begin the recruiting process. A favorite for the coaching position at Hard Knocks is Arnold Fannon, who is very popular on campus and whose qualifications include being born in the back of a 1954 Nash Rambler while his father held up a liquor store. Fannon, who never knew his father, fell on hard times almost immediately, resorted to hustling pool at the age of twelve, petty theft, and enjoying his nightly ration of leather boot soup. His mother drank herself to death and he was left in the care of cruel aunts and uncles. He didn’t have a home-cooked meal for eighteen years until he did some odd jobs for Millie Phelps who rewarded him with a Pot Roast served with potatoes and carrots. “I’ve had it tough,” said Fannon. “Some of us really feel it here at the School of Hard Knocks, but that’s life.”

Other candidates include Clem Haskins, a drifter who maintains the school’s pasture of tumbleweeds, and Charlie Simon who took a knife in the belly while wrestling a flask of gin away from who he refers to as “the visiting hobo with the rotten teeth and Cockney accent.”

The NCAA will carefully observe the two schools who have long lobbied for football programs. “This could be the beginning of a trend for other schools,” said NCAA rep Michael Cawley. “Who knows, in a couple of years you might see The Old Skool, The Barbizon School, and the School of Rock take the field.”

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