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| Goin’ deep. Or not, in this case – as Ryan Howard comes up empty four times on his Monday night date, proving striking out truly transcends baseball. |
PHILADELPHIA, PA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Prodigious homerun slugger Ryan Howard is striking out at a record pace – again. After setting the whiff mark last season with 199 K’s, the Phillies first baseman and former MVP is on a pace for well over two-hundred strikeouts this year.
Batting around the .170 mark most of the season, Howard tried to ease the pressure of his horrific month-and-a-half long slump by taking advantage of the off day Monday and unwinding on a blind date set up by teammates Pat Burrell and Tom Gordon. “It didn’t go so well for the big guy,” said Burrell, himself no stranger to swinging and missing. “We set him up with Darla Sebastian, an absolute stone cold fox from Society Hill (an upscale section of Philadelphia) who has fabulous breasts, a sublime posterior and winning personality. Plus, she apparently really knows her way around a pair of trousers, if you catch my drift.”
Tom Gordon, confirmed that the 6’4” Howard just couldn’t put anything together during the entire evening. “He called me three times while the date was in progress,” said the Phillies reliever. “He initially tried to impress her by telling her he played trombone in high school which she found cute and told him so by discarding her six inch stiletto heels and slowly rubbing her toes along his inner thigh. But then he slipped back into some self-loathing diatribe on working out of a pitcher’s count which really put her locally renowned libido on ice.”
Eyewitnesses claim Howard seemed despondent. “I saw the whole thing,” said Rob Mancini of nearby Willow Grove, Pennsylvania who was out with friends at the trendy Walnut Room. “Darla was sending out signals so clear, she could have talked down a friggin’ 757,” said the 32 year old Mancini. “But Ryan was really in his head about pitchers throwing in his wheelhouse, staying back in the box, hitting to all fields and being distracted by people wearing ‘Ryan Sucks’ t-shirts that he couldn’t even lean in to give her a kiss. The poor girl got so frustrated, she finally filled out a job application.”
Howard, realizing he needed to try an impress his date, attempted to do just that by ordering the Pu-pu platter in relatively acceptable Mandarin Chinese, but made an awkward joke to the Asian waiter about the origin of the appetizer’s name.
Burrell showed up after Howard’s third miscue to try and help the Phillies cleanup man salvage the evening by telling the shapely Sebastian how considerate and sensitive Howard is. “No dice,” said Burrell. “He was destined to wear the golden sombrero. I sat there for ten minutes giving him props up and down. She really warmed up and it looked liked he had a ninth inning homer teed up for him. Then he goes ahead and kills the whole thing by taking a call from his mother on his iPhone.”
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