Roger Clemens Now Denies He Ever Pitched in Majors
On the road again. But not with the Yankees apparently, as Roger Clemens now claims he never pitched in the majors, but instead drove a truck for Piggly Wiggly for the past twenty-five years.
NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Roger Clemens, the seven-time Cy Young Award winner has had controversy swirling around him ever since the Mitchell Report was released last week. Almost immediately Clemens made a statement vehemently denying he ever took steroids or HGH (Human Growth Hormone) at any point in his life.
That claim is counter to the allegations and mounting evidence.
Now comes word of something even more fantastic. Clemens has boldly announced he actually never pitched in the majors. “Look at me. Do I look like a pitcher? I’ve driven a truck for Piggly Wiggly Supermarkets for the past twenty-five years,” the man with the second most strikeouts in history said. “In fact, I’ve got a delivery to make to Florence, South Carolina this afternoon, so I’d better hit the road.”
Despite undeniable proof Clemens has played in a Major League uniform since 1984, he insists the Mitchell Report has the wrong guy.
“I saw him play countless times,” said former New York Yankee manager Joe Torre. “I went out to the mound on several occasions to ask him if he was tired and if he felt like throwing to David Ortiz. Ask the thousands of fans who have ticket stubs. I mean, holy shit!”
After issuing his latest claim, Yankee officials sat him down in the trainer’s room and showed him hours of video footage striking out batters and running off the mound in extreme close ups at the end of innings. They also showed him his contract with the name Roger Clemens on it, signed by him. Clemens was then asked to produce his driver’s license which showed his birth date as August 4, 1962 -- the exact same date as in his contract.
“Sorry,” said Clemens. “I just don’t have any recollection of ever pitching for you people. Or for the Red Sox, Blue Jays or Astros. I drive a truck for Piggly Wiggly. Can I go now? I’ve got some pork roasts out in the tractor trailer and I don’t want them to spoil.”
“Roger owns several houses,” said childhood friend Mark Jansen. “We’re talking large, expensive, sprawling estates. He owns a fleet of cars and has a private plane. With all due respect to the fine people employed by the Piggly Wiggly corporation, I just don’t think you accumulate that kind of jack driving a truck from Lumberton, North Carolina to Brunswick, Georgia.”
Red Sox hurler Curt Schilling, who early in his career looked up to Clemens, asked him to prove he didn’t use steroids, or hand over his past four Cy Young Awards. Schilling says he’s trying to make sense of it all. “I actually like Roger,” the forty-one year old pitcher said. “But I want him to man up and admit he made a mistake.” Schilling then paused a moment and added, “But if he really did work for Piggly Wiggly the past quarter century, then who in hell have I’ve been idolizing? It makes me question if I’m really even here. Are any of us really here? Jesus Christ!”
The Authors of The Sportsman’s Daily