Sportsman's Daily


Roger Ailes Tours Xinhua News Agency: “There’s a Lot to Like”

olympic badminton player

Fox News President admires Chinese news agency's fawning coverage of its athletes. "Here, we have to be more fair and balanced -- unless it involves a godless Democrat who looks French, favors the death tax and supports same-sex activity outside the sanctity of a bathroom stall."

BEIJING, CHINA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Journalists with the Xinhua News Agency are hand-picked and indoctrinated to produce media reports that give the official point of view of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). While even Fox News’ most vocal detractors would admit that its hiring practices and training programs are less CCP-like and more Monica Goodling-esque (ok, not exactly black and white – more black and a shade of charcoal), Roger Ailes can dare to dream.

After the Fox News President was given a (carefully) guided tour of the Xinhua newsroom, he came away impressed with what he saw.

"Very professional and disciplined, always on message – a model we can all learn from,” said Ailes. “While I’d like to see our athletes covered in a more favorable light, their special effects department is second to none. I was watching our girls compete on the uneven bars and I notice they all have six o’clock shadows and unnatural, uh, bulges – very deft Photoshop work. When they feel they have to give token coverage to Michael Phelps, they use unflattering angles and dim lighting to make him look like Michael Dukakis in Speedos. I wish we could do some of that back home…actually, we have, but unfortunately we don’t have the backing of the CCP.”

IOC President Jacques Rogge echoed Ailes’ comments after he was given a special tour himself. “Look at the website of Xinhua, you see the latest news, you see the gold medals and you can see all the excitement of the Olympic games.”

Following his comments, Rogge was handed a manila envelope containing what he referred to as “misplaced recreational photos.” He quickly tucked the envelope into a briefcase, mopped his brow and was whisked away by several hostage negotiators retained by the IOC.

Ailes was particularly impressed with the powers the news agency attributes to the Communist leadership.

“As a former adman, I’m just in awe of their ability to turn the news into a continuous ad campaign. It’s like an unending campaign for an underarm deodorant that’s also supposed to cure halitosis and increase the size of your sex organ. Watching the six o’clock news you’d think the Communists pluck gymnasts and badminton players from the womb, and turn them into champions through a steady diet of Mao and pork fried rice. It’s even reflected in their weather coverage for crying out loud – the other day they announced that a special government agency in charge of meteorology was going to disperse threatening rain clouds with focused brain power and collective wishful thinking.”

Ailes admits he applied similar techniques after 9-11, and had a good three year run until even the staunchest Fox loyalist came to the grudging realization that President Bush, contrary to what they’d been lead to believe, lacked the biblical ability to turn back the floodwaters in New Orleans. While Ailes concedes the “progaganda-ish” aspect to Xinhua’s coverage, he applauded their “relative restraint” – which begs the question, “relative to what?”

“Well, relative to North Korea. If anyone gave fair and balanced a bad name…man, those guys make (Fox News commentator) John Gibson sound like Walter Cronkite.”

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