Sportsman's Daily


Mwaaah! Mwaaaa!! Mwaaaaaa!!!

Rockies’ faith mocked as Sox sweep
By Milton Simms (Special to TSD)

possessed kid

Two hours after game two, Father Frank Doolittle performed a successful exorcism on little Timothy Ryan, after which the incorrigible and unappreciative little bastard flipped him the bird.

DENVER, CO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The loud, raucous Red Sox locker room was brought to a momentary standstill as a sinister, otherworldly guffaw filled the room like a rolling evil fog. As the last malevolent sounds faded, the celebration continued, as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened.

But amid the spray of champagne and general frenzy, an elegant, well-dressed gentleman with a beatnik goatee watched from a distant corner of the room, leaning on an elaborately carved walking stick, wisps of smoke wafting from his expensive Italian loafers. He watched with an air of amused detachment, surveying the scene with piercing yellow eyes.

“Are you with the Red Sox organization,” I asked, choking back the foul-smelling smoke that coiled around me.

“Terribly sorry, young man. Where are my manners. Allow me to introduce myself. You may call me…Victor. And no, I am not affiliated with the Red Sox in a formal capacity. I am just here as an interested…observer. And as one who takes great delight in the terrible, just terrible fate that befell that most unfortunate team from Colorado.” With that he loosed a disturbingly sonorous chuckle and produced out of thin air a scantily clad stripper, a pile of $100s and a densely worded eight page contract. “You like? All yours, just give me your J. Hancock here, here and here, and we’ve got a deal.”

I told him it was tempting, but that I’d need to read the thirty pages of codicils and clauses first.

“Here’s my card. Let me know when you want to re-consider. Only too happy to have your business.”

“Forgive me for being so blunt, but what is your business?”

“Debt collection. Most lucrative.”

“Is that what brings you here? To collect a debt?”

“No, no. Every so often you’ve got to make an appearance. It’s good pr. And sometimes I just show up to gloat.”

“So I take it you were pulling for the Sox?”

“I was pulling for the Rockies to lose. I wasn’t sure whether I preferred a sweep or a seven game series – there’s something to be said for promoting false hope, then dashing it with a sweep of the hand. So near, yet so far – from our perspective, an off-season of unrelieved mental torture tests one’s faith, leads to drugs, alcohol and binge sex with partners outside the marriage – in sum, it’s good for business. But seven games is a big commitment and my dance card is full.”

“What’s your beef with the Rockies?”

“Early this season someone on staff brought me an article about the organization’s adherence to a quote unquote Christian-based code of conduct. Revolting. So we immediately assigned a team to follow them through the season, placing tempting “leave behinds” in their lockers: phone numbers written with lipstick, edible panties with addresses embroidered in the crotch, etc. We also planted anonymous quotes aimed at provoking jealousy and lust for lucre. Regrettably, the campaign was less successful than we’d hoped. So Plan B was to do everything in our power to see the Rockies make it to the game’s ultimate stage…and to show the public yet again that the entity they pray to is not about to stop everything – preventing disasters, sheltering the poor, attending to the sick, etc., etc. – to advance runners, produce seeing-eye base hits or sustain rallies. Frankly, I find it disrespectful. I’m creating all sorts of havoc, misery and despair around the world, don’t you think He’d be more concerned with trying to keep me out of scoring position?’

Victor – if that’s his real name – left me to ponder his rhetorical question and excused himself to spend some time in the losing locker room.

“To be honest, I prefer winning locker rooms. Not because I take delight in human celebration – I don’t. It’s just better from a customer acquisition standpoint. Alcohol consumption goes up dramatically and the partying is non-stop…temptation beefs up the bottom line. My visit to the Rockies’ locker room will be brief, just long enough to appreciate the spiritual wreckage and pain. And to remind them that yes, God does have other plans. Just don’t expect to be in them.”

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