Sportsman's Daily


Overly Superstitious Pat Riley Refuses to Brush His Teeth until Heat Reach .500

Shaq: “Coach Sure Puts the H in Halitosis”


Smells like team spirit. Miami Heat Head Coach Pat Riley is refusing to brush his teeth until his team reaches .500. Is it the ultimate show of support for his players, or just a "screw it" attitude?.

MIAMI, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — It’s no secret that professional athletes and coaches tend to run on the superstitious side. We’ve all seen baseball players stepping over foul lines as they exit the field and basketball players going through their foul line rituals before launching free throws. Now with their 2007-08 season off to a less than pleasant start, the Miami Heat are struggling just to reach the .500 plateau. Coach Pat Riley is taking the matter into his own hands. In fact, you can say he’s putting his money where his mouth is. Riley, who has shown his superstitious side before, announced he will not brush his teeth until the team reaches the mark.

It was day six of the experiment when the impeccably stylish and well-groomed, hygiene-obsessed Riley called his players together for a team meeting to get up close and personal with them in a way that no player and coach should.

“Coach opened up with a joke,” said veteran center Shaquille O’Neill. “Then he got up real tight in everyone’s grill and knocked us all over with a flurry of ‘B’ words. You know, when you’ve got the stank breath simmerin’ and you’re using ‘B’ words it really hits you hard. B’s are windy and carry the stanky-stank real well. He said something like, ‘Boys, I’m all breathy-breath because bad basketball is beyond belief. But beware, and be warned – you ballers will break out and belie the brutal battles with beautiful breakaways and bring balance before I beckon my bevy of bad breath bacteria to blow back at your bling.’ Yeah dawg, he knows exactly what he’s doing. Coach sure puts the H in Halitosis. I mean some serious-ass chronic halitosis - and I’ve played with Karl Malone.”

“Riles wants us to win and the last thing we want is to catch a whiff of that sewer he’s calling a mouth these days,” said guard Jason Williams. Riley has worked hard to maintain the bad breath by loading up on high fat foods with garlic, and onions. Breakfast generally consists of yogurt and black coffee. Lunch is always the same - sardine and onion sandwiches, and a fifth of gin. Riley has even started smoking cheap cigars. Williams added, “He’s constantly belching with a breath that has some of the guys praying for death. Not his – their own.”

“How bad is it?” said star guard Dwyane Wade. “You know the scene in The Exorcist when the little girl’s puking up the green shit? That’s like fuckin’ lilacs and Drakhar compared to what Riles has got workin’. Six days! Six days of this biotch and I’m ready to quit or beat the crap out of our next opponent.” Quit or win. That’s the result Riley is looking for. “So far, it’s beginning to work,” said Ken Daniels, a spokesman for Riley who addressed a small and thankful contingent of media members who held a small prayer meeting in the hopes Riley himself wouldn’t speak with them directly. “But what’s working for the team, has begun to take its toll on Coach.”

Riley’s dentist, Abe Kitzman said although he appreciates his patient’s team first attitude, he's concerened Riley is beginning to show preliminary signs of a rare and dangerous periodontal disease called Garrick’s Syndrome, named after Dr. Herbert Garrick. “Garrick’s Syndrome isn’t pretty,” said Kitzman. “Left untreated it can lead to severe tracheal problems, let alone tooth loss, gum disease, and breath that can knock over a herd of elephants. One can suffer blindness and in some cases death.” Kitzman then produced a large cartoonish, over-sized toothbrush and added playfully, “So Mr. Tooth Decay says, ‘brush your pearly whites and don’t forget to floss kiddies.’” Kitzman then sat quietly for a moment an added, “For Christ’s sake, a couple more years of schooling and I could have been doing brain surgery. Instead I’m reduced to rooting around people’s disgusting mouths and holding up over-sized props doing fucking character voices of talking teeth. Go Heat!”

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