Sportsman's Daily


Baseball Fan Tries to Smoke Phillies Pitching Coach Rich Dubee

Hensley Dawson

Smoke-a-Dubee. Hensley Dawson, a (like totally huge) proponent of marijuana use, stumbled out of the stands in Miami during a Marlins-Phillies game and attempted to smoke Phillies pitching coach, Rich Dubee. He was arrested moments later. Dawson said he found Dubee a bit harsh and full of seeds and stems.

MIAMI, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The weekend series between the Philadelphia Phillies and Florida Marlins brought plenty of excitement in a tightly packed National League East race, but nothing seemed as offbeat as when a Marlins fan came sauntering out of the upper deck, was somehow able to sneak past security, and sit down next to Phillies pitching coach Rich Dubee in an attempt to smoke him.

Hensley Dawson has been a South Florida resident for nearly two years and the Jamaican native says he’s planned getting to Dubee since he’s been in the United States.

“The Jamaican culture demands that our people explore all the possibilities of expanding our consciousness man,” said Dawson. “With a name like Dubee, I was pretty sure that by just taking a long drag on him, I’d have myself my own personal little transcendental event, don’t ya know? Of course, I was wrong.”

Dubee insists that he is not marijuana and neither are any of his family members.

“This is the third time in two years that someone has tried to light me up and get high,” said Dubee. “If I was marijuana, how do you explain my ability to walk freely through airports?”

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel begs to differ.

“Considering some of the work he’s done with Brett Myers and Adam Eaton this season, he just might be the world’s largest joint,” said Manuel.

Myers, the former opening day starter, was sent down to the minors. Eaton, another starter with a ballooning ERA, has been buried in the bullpen. Dubee was questioned by authorities who were satisfied his molecular makeup is largely carbon-based with only traces of California Sensimilla.

Steve Stone, former pitcher and current color commentator for the Chicago White Sox radio broadcasts, said he was in a similar situation during a spring training game in the early 1980’s when his popularity was at an all-time high after winning the Cy Young Award. “Some dude ran into the bullpen as I was making some pre-game tosses, and tried to insert a bong in my ass,” said Stone. “What he didn’t know was I had eaten some Mexican the night before. He not only woke up with a terrific headache, but had one hell of a case of the trots.”

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