Sportsman's Daily


Randy Moss Lost Twice on Super Sunday


Hangin' on the North Side. It's common knowledge that moss grows on the north side of a tree. And Randy Moss apparently enjoyed hangin' on the north side of town for a little post game action.

PHOENIX, AZ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — After a devastating defeat at the hands of the New York Giants, Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss received more bad news. The Super Bowl Prostitutes Union, Local 69, had its petition for a restraining order against Moss upheld. The filing was called “pre-emptive” by Local 69 spokesperson “Strawberry” Jones. “We heard what he did to that poor girl in Miami, and we didn’t want none of that,” said Jones. The decision on whether a restraining order is legal in a case where neither party has ever met lied with Arizona District 5 justice Frank Ito, brother of Lance, who presided over the OJ Simpson trial. Ito ruled in favor of the order, remarking “I’m not making the same mistake my brother did.”

“I thought the ruling was ludicrous,” said Moss’ attorney Barry Friedman. “There’s simply no history of abuse by Mr. Moss to these women.” Most hookers disagreed with Friedman. “Super Bowl is the biggest weekend, and what if I had gotten like a black eye or something,” said eighteen year old Candy Smith, who came from Sioux City, Iowa for a shot at the big time. “Plus, he looks really scary,” she added.

“Randy’s just bad for business,” said legendary pimp Chi-Town. “I’ve dealt with him before. He always wants multiple women at bulk discount, and takes up a ton of time with them,” Chi Town continued. “On a Super Bowl weekend, I need my girls workin’ multiple customers, not playing twister with some prima donna athlete.”

Superbowl weekend accounts for nearly 40 percent of gross sales for the prostitution industry, according to the Pimp Financial Council (PFC). “The industry could not survive without it. Straight up,” said PFC President Iceberg Slim.

While support is strong from the industry, not everyone in the red light district supports the Moss ban. “I’ve been with Randy a few times and he was great,” said Sunny Sunshine. “He even got me into this party on a boat with his friends in Minnesota,” she said.

Moss was incensed by the order. “You’re telling me that I just suffered the worst upset in NFL history, and now I can’t even hustle a blow job from a hooker?” said Moss. “Why they always hatin’ on Randy? What ever happened to compassion? Damn!"


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