Sportsman's Daily


Promoters Announce "LollaPalooka"; Former Brawlers to Square Off In Round Robin Bloodbath

Four of boxing's most beloved stiffs coaxed from retirement for one-time bout.

muscle pain

Chuck Wepner, aka "The Bayonne Bleeder", shown in a vintage pose missing with wild right hand, his blood-streaked face about to become a sickening bloody pulp following a punishing succession of unanswered after the other, lefts, rights, uppercuts, each blow struck with precision and mounting fury, turning what was once a face into a hideous maw of tissue and exposed bone. LollaPalooka promoter Stan Platt promises to give fans value for their entertainment dollar.

PHILADELPHIA, PA (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — Many view the 70's and early to mid-80's as boxing's finest years. Just about every division had fighters with great skill and heart and the rivalries were the stuff of legend. But for every Holmes and Hagler, there was a Bugner and a LeDoux, plodding "palookas" whose "heart" made up for limited skill, their fights a triumph of perseverance over common sense. Put a Chuck Wepner or a Randall "Tex" Cobb in the ring and the outcome was assured: cuts would open between rounds 1-2, blood would begin gushing by the 3rd, eyes would swell shut by the 4th, and by the 5th or 6th their corner would be imploring their fighter -- by now a soundly beaten, barely conscious shell of a human being -- to call it a night...only to see the poor hopeless bastard answer the next bell and step face first into another lacerating blow.

Inspired by a random encounter with 60 year old Sylvester Stallone, old school promoters Stan and Morty Platt actually believe there are people willing to pay money to see Chuck Wepner, Scott LeDoux, Randall "Tex" Cobb and Joe Bugner step inside the ropes for a final blood-soaked hurrah.

"Rocky Balboa is an institution, the palooka's palooka, " said Stan Platt, who crossed paths with the actor  Sylvester Stallone on the streets of Phildadelphia. “He’s looking better than any guy 60 years old deserves to look. To be able to step into a ring at that age and absorb that kind of punishment, I'm awed that he could do such a thing. When I was 60 -- I'm 72 now -- I could barely get out of bed at three in the morning to take a pee. My back, my neck, the groin injury. And now? Forget about it. Rocky Balboa is an inspiration to millions the world over."

We reminded Stan that Rocky Balboa is a fictional character whose "fights" are choreographed within an inch of Sylvester Stallone's hairlip, and asked why he and his brother Morty think people will want to see four lead-footed, over-the-hill pugs staging one last orgy of stomach-turning incompetence.
"To tell you the truth, it's something I always wanted to see. Put Bugner, Cobb, LeDoux and Wepner in a ring, let them go five rounds, let's see who remains standing. My money's on Cobb, though I'd like to see Wepner pull it out -- he needs just 20 more stitches to surpass Vito Antuofermo who holds the record with 345. But there's one thing Americans can bank on -- it will be a fucking bloody mess."

To date, the Platts have signed on one sponsor -- a distributor of kosher canned meats out of Cleveland. They are also speaking to the American Red Cross and a medical supplies company that provides blood to hospitals. The Platts haven't yet found a venue for LollaPalooka; if they can't find one by February 12th, their entirely arbitrary cut-off date, they will simply stage the fight in their backyard and have their fourteen year old nephew Milton Platt (son of third brother Seymour) post the video over YouTube.

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