Sportsman's Daily


Pittsburgh’s Unhealthiest Fan Really Pissed about Pirates’ Plan to Offer Turkey Dogs


The Good Life. Larry Swarski’s time on Earth is measured in seconds.

PITTSBURGH, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In an effort to encourage a healthier ballpark experience, the Pittsburgh Pirates say they plan to offer turkey hot dogs at specified locations throughout PNC Park during the 2009 season.

“Holy fucking shit! This is just so typical.” said Larry Swarski of nearby Latrobe who proudly identifies himself as ‘unhealthy and proud.’ “You know what this means don’t ya? It means I’ll have to wait in line a lot longer now while ‘Miss Fucking Aerobics Instructor with the Mercedes SUV’ convinces her little snot-nosed, six year old shitheads that the turkey hot dog is the wiser choice – and it ‘tastes just like the real thing.’ Well I got news for you biotch – it tastes nothing like the real thing, which for the uninitiated is a hickory smoked, carcinogen causing, excessively processed, pork scraps packed, dick shaped weiner on a twelve inch bun with chili, mustard and onions. Any questions?”

“While we certainly appreciate Mr. Swarski’s opinion, we feel the turkey hot dog will be popular.” said Pirates Assistant Promotions Director, Joe Chris Wong. “There’ll be plenty of convenient locations throughout the venue for Mr. Swarski and others to enjoy the more traditional hot dog experience. However, for the record, we encourage moderation.”   

Swarski, who placed seventeenth in last year’s Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest® in New York, is a four pack a day smoker and heavy drinker who operates the fork lift at Lefty’s Beer and Soda Distribution Emporium in New Kensington. In his spare time he enjoys a multitude of narcotics and unprotected sex with strangers as well as driving at high rates of speed through school zones.

“We’re very excited about the upcoming Pirates season, but also seriously concerned about Larry,” said Swarski’s doctor, Scott Levine, M.D. “He’s only twenty-three, but looks fifty. At the rate he’s going, I don’t see him living past Thursday.”

Should Swarski die, his successor as Pittsburgh’s unhealthiest fan would be the eternally unemployed 37 year old Joe “Slophouse” Giardelli, a rotund, chain-smoking, cocaine abusing, meatball inhaling, 370 pound behemoth, who hasn’t seen his own penis since sixth grade and has yet to kiss a girl.

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