Phils’ Kyle Kendrick Finally Gets Revenge on Teammate Brett Myers for Japan Stunt; Sacrifices Him to Fictitious God
Practical Smoke. The joke’s on Brett Myers this time as his sprawling estate goes up in flames and he’s minus a brain thanks to “punked” teammate Kyle Kendrick.
PHILADELPHIA, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) —Three months ago Philadelphia Phillies second year pitcher Kyle Kendrick suffered excruciating embarrassment on national television during spring training as fellow pitcher and teammate Brett Myers orchestrated a “punking” moment that the entire team and local press were privy to. Kendrick was told by manager Charlie Manuel he was being traded to Japan for Takeru Kobayashi. Kendrick thought he’d been dealt to the Yomiuri Giants for a star pitcher. As Kendrick was discussing his trade with the media, Myers informed him that he’d been roundly punked, and Kobayashi was actually the internationally famous hot dog eating champion.
A relieved Kendrick realized he was the victim of an elaborate practical joke amidst a cackling media contingent, but said he had no intent of getting back at Myers.
Privately however Kendrick had been stewing ever since the incident. On Wednesday night after the Philles’ 2-0 loss to the Cincinnati Reds, a game in which Myers carried a no-hitter into the seventh inning, Kendrick sought his revenge.
Without the knowledge of teammates or friends, he quietly drove his pickup truck to Myers’ home. Armed with a shrimp fork, ten gallons of gasoline, a box of matches and a George Bush mask, Kendrick went to work. He removed Myers’ brain with a shrimp fork while eerily giggling the entire time. He then torched Myers home, and stood across the street behind a tree still laughing uncontrollably as irreplaceable baseball momentos dating back to Myers’ Little League days went up in flames as the screaming Myers desperately tried to reinsert his brain.
“I guess I got the last laugh,” a still hysterical Kendrick boasted to no one in particular as he was being led away in handcuffs. “That cocksucker is gonna think twice before fuckin’ with Kyle Kendrick again.”
“Folks, what we’ve got here is a great American tragedy,” said Manuel in his deep West Virginia drawl attempting to quell the unpleasant episode with company line damage control. “The boy ain’t right. He just snapped. Looks like I’m going to have to place a restriction on practical jokes for a spell. Myers ain’t got no brain or house, and Kendrick will be spending the next fifteen to twenty in the clink – although admittedly, he seems to be taking it in stride.”
As fire trucks doused the smoldering ashes of what was once Myers’ sprawling estate, Kendrick cursed him from the back of a police cruiser as Myers was being loaded into an ambulance. “I got you good motherfucker,” shouted a still chuckling Kendrick. “The great god Zanzifabu is pleased.”
Zanzifabu, the lord of ultra-conservative criticism, is a central figure in a yet untitled science fiction novel Kendrick began writing in high school.
“Yeah, I can see this as being a bit of a distraction,” said Phillies shortstop and reigning NL MVP, Jimmy Rollins. “Kendrick’s going to prison for arson and attempted murder, and Myers will most likely miss his next start.”
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